I am sitting here in my favorite room, my living/dining room. I have been enjoying my Christmas decor and looking forward to sharing the holiday with my loved ones. I have been excited for weeks about putting up a tree and having a little holiday cheer. My first Christmas in my new home and the beginning of a few new traditions. My parents and Lacy will be at my house for Christmas morning and the unwrapping of gifts. I have to add that our upstairs bathroom will finally be functional, as we are in the last stages of our 6 month remodel project!! I remember many years in Laramie, decorating some funny tree that we found right off the road (because we were never prepared to hike into the wilderness, we found trees that were within our line of sight!) Our tree this year is beautiful and brightens my evenings and lifts my spirits.
I was running some errands this afternoon and thinking about the holiday season and how hectic life becomes with so many obligations, travel plans and expenses. Matt and I had been talking about how the holidays coincide with the darkest time of the year. It feels strange to watch the sun set behind the hills at 4:30 at night. But in the darkness, we have created a season to celebrate the things we are grateful for, the people that we love. Trying to find the perfect present, cooking an elaborate meal, taking time to acknowledge that being alive is in itself a miracle... they are all part of a need to create light out of dark.
My mother has always written little words of affection and inspiration in our greeting cards throughout the years. Christmas, birthdays, just because, my sister and I always smile at her elegant, optimistic lines and I have many of those cards saved in shoe box in my closet. This year, she searched online for quotes that matched the individual situations and life changes that Lace and I were going through. I love the one she found for me...
Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us.
It is true that I am not spending this holiday season (or, the past 10 months) as I had hoped and dreamed to. It is also true that everyday is an excruciating reminder that Silas is not here with us. My heart aches to think of taking family pictures for greeting cards (I didn't even muster the energy this year), watching my baby boy playing with wrapping paper and new toys on Christmas morning, delighting in his fascination with the lights and ornaments on the tree. What would it have been like to be responsible for those pictures, those memories?
I will know the answer to those questions some day. And I will cherish it all the more for Silas and the knowledge of all the holidays and special occasions that I will miss out on with him, my first child, my beautiful son. The story of the birth of Christ is one of hope. It is fitting that the week of our Christmas celebrations coincides with the winter solstice. From this point on, there will only be more light.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Counselor
People keep telling me that I am strong. I know those words to be true but every time I hear them I think if all the weak moments that no one sees. It is sometimes necessary to put on a brave face and pretend that your only purpose is to be right here, right now. I have learned that doing just that is what allows me to face the day. Honestly, it seems that usually when I feel the need to "blog" (as the kids say) I am upset with something about my life.
So let this be my "brave face" for the day... I woke up ready to go and hungry.I had good food to eat and Dr. Pepper to drink at work. I attenpted to be kind to people and was rewarded with kindness in turn. I accomplished a task in my household and am looking forward to curling up in bed with my husband and my cat-children. What more can a person ask?
I think that if I train myself to recognize the small gifts that each day brings, perhaps one day, I will truly believe what I say aloud. When I write, I am affirming something that my brain comprehends but that my heart does not. People are taken aback by my openess sometimes, which makes me appreciate the people I interact with on a daily basis all the more. Thankfully, I've been allowed to grieve in my own way and receive comfort from expressing my experience with people who care about me.
Shit... maybe I should be a counselor, I could put some of this "wisdom" to work!
So let this be my "brave face" for the day... I woke up ready to go and hungry.I had good food to eat and Dr. Pepper to drink at work. I attenpted to be kind to people and was rewarded with kindness in turn. I accomplished a task in my household and am looking forward to curling up in bed with my husband and my cat-children. What more can a person ask?
I think that if I train myself to recognize the small gifts that each day brings, perhaps one day, I will truly believe what I say aloud. When I write, I am affirming something that my brain comprehends but that my heart does not. People are taken aback by my openess sometimes, which makes me appreciate the people I interact with on a daily basis all the more. Thankfully, I've been allowed to grieve in my own way and receive comfort from expressing my experience with people who care about me.
Shit... maybe I should be a counselor, I could put some of this "wisdom" to work!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Little Feet...
Just watched Silas' sonogram for the first time since I was pregnant. It brought back so many feelings. I was 22 weeks preggo and we found out that we were having a boy (which I knew all along). He was perfect according to the images, they measured his head, heart rate, the size of his femur, etc... My mom and Matthew were there for the happy event, we watched in wonder as the doctor gave us a glimpse of the amazing life within.
The part that got me though ( I had memorized the images of my son, his feet, his ears, the little scrotum that told us his gender), was the end of the vidoe, it showed the doctor giving his report on the sonogram. Every category was "normal", every indication was healthy. He was big, major organs intact, healthy pacenta. I remember hearing those words and finally allowing myself to accept his life and my role in it.
I will never know what happened to my son. I've read the charts, reennacted his birth. I am okay with the decision I made to skip the autopsy, I didn't want to put my baby through more trauma. It was hard enough to witness the efforts to save his life. Wires, IV's, the trauma of his birth. It was too much for anyone and I was ill prepared based on my pregnancy, to accept what had occured. It is just a fact of my life and I cannot do anything but move on from it and remember the lesson that life presents to us all. When it seems that all is hopeless, we have tomorrow to convince us to go on.
October 14, 2010 was the first time I felt my child move. Silas is gone but that moment is a treasured memory in my life. Every moment that I spent with him warms my heart and reminds me that each of us leaves a mark in this world, no matter how brief our time may be. I never got to tell my son what he did for me and those I love, but I do believe that he knew it all along.
The part that got me though ( I had memorized the images of my son, his feet, his ears, the little scrotum that told us his gender), was the end of the vidoe, it showed the doctor giving his report on the sonogram. Every category was "normal", every indication was healthy. He was big, major organs intact, healthy pacenta. I remember hearing those words and finally allowing myself to accept his life and my role in it.
I will never know what happened to my son. I've read the charts, reennacted his birth. I am okay with the decision I made to skip the autopsy, I didn't want to put my baby through more trauma. It was hard enough to witness the efforts to save his life. Wires, IV's, the trauma of his birth. It was too much for anyone and I was ill prepared based on my pregnancy, to accept what had occured. It is just a fact of my life and I cannot do anything but move on from it and remember the lesson that life presents to us all. When it seems that all is hopeless, we have tomorrow to convince us to go on.
October 14, 2010 was the first time I felt my child move. Silas is gone but that moment is a treasured memory in my life. Every moment that I spent with him warms my heart and reminds me that each of us leaves a mark in this world, no matter how brief our time may be. I never got to tell my son what he did for me and those I love, but I do believe that he knew it all along.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Anniversaries...
Today was awesome. My dad came down to help us install the first (and most important) 100 foot of fence in the back yard. Matt and I have spent spare time the last few weeks cutting the old metal posts and prepping the yard for a new, wood fence. We ordered supplies, rented equipment and planned the new line and this morning my parents arrived for the big project. It went up quick and mother nature even blessed us with a cool, overcast morning for our efforts. The new fence cuts our visual of the junkyard next door and will eventually wrap around our entire yard.
I'm glad that it has been such a productive day because in the back of my mind I have been dreading this day all week. Silas would have been 6 months old today. Perspective is a crazy thing sometimes. I have been thinking all week about what he would look like now, what milestones his dad and I would have witnessed and celebrated. He'd be chubby-faced, I would have spent hours adoring his smile, his little body, his personality. I would be comfortable in my role as mommy, figuring out this whole parenting thing.
Add to that the fact that it is Matthew and my 2nd anniversary tomorrow, but it feels like 9 years to me (in a good way, I promise). 2 years ago, I stood on my grandparent's lawn and committed myself to a lifetime with my husband, through good times and bad. It seems like we have had our share of both the last couple of years. We don't always get along or agree but we have something that nothing in this world can take from us and I am grateful every day. Happy Anniversary to my husband and the father of my child, I look forward to our life together and to all the good times ahead.
I'm glad that it has been such a productive day because in the back of my mind I have been dreading this day all week. Silas would have been 6 months old today. Perspective is a crazy thing sometimes. I have been thinking all week about what he would look like now, what milestones his dad and I would have witnessed and celebrated. He'd be chubby-faced, I would have spent hours adoring his smile, his little body, his personality. I would be comfortable in my role as mommy, figuring out this whole parenting thing.
Add to that the fact that it is Matthew and my 2nd anniversary tomorrow, but it feels like 9 years to me (in a good way, I promise). 2 years ago, I stood on my grandparent's lawn and committed myself to a lifetime with my husband, through good times and bad. It seems like we have had our share of both the last couple of years. We don't always get along or agree but we have something that nothing in this world can take from us and I am grateful every day. Happy Anniversary to my husband and the father of my child, I look forward to our life together and to all the good times ahead.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Memories
Things I remember about my son...
He sat on my bladder from the moment he was conceived. I was worried that I would never be able to take a road trip again! The first time I felt him move was mid October, I was driving back to Rock Springs from Laramie (I had just purchased my first pair of maternity pants). We were cooking dinner the first time Matthew felt him move, we sat there smiling at eachother like a couple of idiots, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Silas liked to roll around in my belly while Matt and I watched documentaries on Netflix in bed. He was my constant companion and my favorite thing about carrying him was feeling him move and kick.
I spent eight months imagining what he would look like, I dreamed about him (although early in my pregnancy I dreamed that he was a girl). When he came out, I saw his face and he looked just like I had expected, like I had known his face forever. It was the most beautiful little face I have ever seen. Then they took him away and the rest of my memory is of his death. I held him several times that night and can still feel the weight of his little body in my arms.
The last gift that my little boy gave me and my family was the warmth of the sun on my back during his funeral. Matthew and I were standing in front of family and friends on a cold, grey day in February and while we read our goodbyes, the clouds parted and we were warm. I like to think that he heard us and wanted us to know that he was okay.
The time I spent carrying my baby and the precious moments that I had with him after his birth are memories that I will always cherish. I can look back on them with joy and fondness, he was a part of me that I love.
He sat on my bladder from the moment he was conceived. I was worried that I would never be able to take a road trip again! The first time I felt him move was mid October, I was driving back to Rock Springs from Laramie (I had just purchased my first pair of maternity pants). We were cooking dinner the first time Matthew felt him move, we sat there smiling at eachother like a couple of idiots, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Silas liked to roll around in my belly while Matt and I watched documentaries on Netflix in bed. He was my constant companion and my favorite thing about carrying him was feeling him move and kick.
I spent eight months imagining what he would look like, I dreamed about him (although early in my pregnancy I dreamed that he was a girl). When he came out, I saw his face and he looked just like I had expected, like I had known his face forever. It was the most beautiful little face I have ever seen. Then they took him away and the rest of my memory is of his death. I held him several times that night and can still feel the weight of his little body in my arms.
The last gift that my little boy gave me and my family was the warmth of the sun on my back during his funeral. Matthew and I were standing in front of family and friends on a cold, grey day in February and while we read our goodbyes, the clouds parted and we were warm. I like to think that he heard us and wanted us to know that he was okay.
The time I spent carrying my baby and the precious moments that I had with him after his birth are memories that I will always cherish. I can look back on them with joy and fondness, he was a part of me that I love.
Friday, July 22, 2011
TGIF
I would like to attempt a positive blog for a change, today was a pretty good day so here I go.... Matthew has left for a few days of camping with his father and brother and I am enjoying the time alone. It's funny how rarely the situation presents itself when you are married. I have been cleaning the house, catching up with friends on the phone, playing with the kittens and watching whatever I want on tv. Also, I enjoy hogging the whole bed without my bony spouse poking his elbows into me!
I recently e-mailed my old boss at Modern Printing to catch up on life and order some printing for Matt's tree business. I have so many old, old friends. People I've known forever... I've also been fortunate to make many friends in the years following high school. My former employer is one of them. His son is a senior in high school now, which means I have known him for 8 years! He hired me when I was a 20 year old kid, ranting about the greed of the corporation that I had previously worked for. Working for his business was one of the luckiest breaks I've ever had and I am thankful to be a part of the family down there.
I think I will spend the remainder of the evening cleaning my bathroom and taking a long, hot bath. It really is the little things in life that keep you going when the big things are fucked up. Life is hard but I try to enjoy the soup of the day at work, or the warm sun on my face in the morning, or my cute little kitten faces. It makes it easier to get through the day and reminds me that I'm glad to be here even as I am sad that my son is not.
I recently e-mailed my old boss at Modern Printing to catch up on life and order some printing for Matt's tree business. I have so many old, old friends. People I've known forever... I've also been fortunate to make many friends in the years following high school. My former employer is one of them. His son is a senior in high school now, which means I have known him for 8 years! He hired me when I was a 20 year old kid, ranting about the greed of the corporation that I had previously worked for. Working for his business was one of the luckiest breaks I've ever had and I am thankful to be a part of the family down there.
I think I will spend the remainder of the evening cleaning my bathroom and taking a long, hot bath. It really is the little things in life that keep you going when the big things are fucked up. Life is hard but I try to enjoy the soup of the day at work, or the warm sun on my face in the morning, or my cute little kitten faces. It makes it easier to get through the day and reminds me that I'm glad to be here even as I am sad that my son is not.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Stages of grief
I guess I have finally reached the "anger" stage of grief. This summer has been non-stop. 10 year reunion, visiting Daniel, weddings, friends having babies... I am so overwhelmed and I have no reprieve in sight. I feel obligation to attend these happy events, I actually enjoy the distraction that they provide, and yet.... Every moment of someone else's happiness reminds me of my own sorrow. How selfish I feel for being resentful of these people that I love with all my heart.
I am to the point that I don't even want to celebrate my birthday next week. I had planned on celebrating with my little baby and his grandparents, aunts and uncles. It seems kind of empty to celebrate my 28th year, considering that it has brought me such sadness. I'm 28 soon with a broken heart that keeps bleeding no matter how much I participate and pretend.
I often think that someone or something must be responsible for what happened. If I did everything right, who fucked up? Why was my son delivered without any concern for his maturity or due date? Why was it assumed that he would handle a natural birth without some kind of preparation for the fact that he was a preemie? Why was Life Flight not called the instant he showed signs of respiratory distress? Why were we allowed to believe for 6 hours that he had just had a rough start and would perk up with time?
It shouldn't have happened the way it did and the longer I live with it, the more I ask myself these questions. They haunt my dreams and my waking life. Every second that I live I wish for answers that will never come. I must accept his loss and the daily reminders of it. I just don't know how....
I am to the point that I don't even want to celebrate my birthday next week. I had planned on celebrating with my little baby and his grandparents, aunts and uncles. It seems kind of empty to celebrate my 28th year, considering that it has brought me such sadness. I'm 28 soon with a broken heart that keeps bleeding no matter how much I participate and pretend.
I often think that someone or something must be responsible for what happened. If I did everything right, who fucked up? Why was my son delivered without any concern for his maturity or due date? Why was it assumed that he would handle a natural birth without some kind of preparation for the fact that he was a preemie? Why was Life Flight not called the instant he showed signs of respiratory distress? Why were we allowed to believe for 6 hours that he had just had a rough start and would perk up with time?
It shouldn't have happened the way it did and the longer I live with it, the more I ask myself these questions. They haunt my dreams and my waking life. Every second that I live I wish for answers that will never come. I must accept his loss and the daily reminders of it. I just don't know how....
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Sick
I am going to allow myself some negativity today. I woke up in a horrible mood and it has hung over my head like a cloud all day. I am sick of pretending that I am okay. I should be raising a 4 month old right now, I should be getting ready to show him off to my friends at our 10 year reunion. I should be occupied with diapers, bottles and naps. Instead I am having seizures at work and avoiding my parents. I am so tired. I am so depressed. Now I have a whole barrage of tests to endure, financial hardship on top of everything else. I quit! What the fuck else does the universe want want me to endure? I'm over it. Can I please just hide in a hole for the next few months?
Today is Father's Day and I honor my husband for being the man that he is. From the start he has been my support, my reason to go on. He loved Silas from the moment he knew about him and was nothing short of wonderful for my entire pregnancy and birth. I am trying to get over my seizure hangover, to let the people in my life know what they mean to me, but I am changed. I will never cope with the loss that I feel, I just have to hope that the people around me can cope with the person I am now. This person is not a saint, just a lowly human being trying to deal with the cards I have been dealt. All I want is another child, not to replace my precious Silas but to give us a reason to continue this fight.
Today is Father's Day and I honor my husband for being the man that he is. From the start he has been my support, my reason to go on. He loved Silas from the moment he knew about him and was nothing short of wonderful for my entire pregnancy and birth. I am trying to get over my seizure hangover, to let the people in my life know what they mean to me, but I am changed. I will never cope with the loss that I feel, I just have to hope that the people around me can cope with the person I am now. This person is not a saint, just a lowly human being trying to deal with the cards I have been dealt. All I want is another child, not to replace my precious Silas but to give us a reason to continue this fight.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Random...
Went to visit Silas' grave the other day, they'd installed his headstone and planted sod. I have to admit that it was really hard to visit an unmarked, dirt mound at the cemetary. It looked so nice, granite headstone and grass thanks to the Mormon missionaries who put sod down every Memorial Day. My Grandma Ann's 100 birthday was 2 days ago, I took comfort in wishing her Happy Birthday.
I have a shrine in my yard with the things that were left at Silas' grave, if the cemetary cannot maintain the spot, I will with my own little garden of tulips and green things. I had a moment of peace days ago in San Diego, sitting on the beach with an ocean breeze in my face. What a beautiful place to visit, I would love to be there permanently some day.
Congrats to my hero, Amy for earning her masters and thanks for giving me a reason to visit such a wonderful place. It was nice to travel and put away my sadness for a weekend (mostly), I love my cousins and my family for taking care of me and giving me a vacation from my everyday life.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
My home...
Finally, a few minutes to catch my breath. I've been admiring the shadows falling on my floors and the sound of the trains rumbling along. I had a moment of peace looking upon the progress that we have made in the short months since moving into our new home. I got to show it off this weekend, we've "entertained", as they like to say on HGTV. Nothing big, just a few social events that required me to clean.
In the last few weeks, we have built a new flower bed, raked and cleaned cigarette butts and other debri, planted shrubs, bushes and veggies, mowed and watered and cleaned siding and windows. I am pooped but impressed with myself. I have a home, for the first time since we sold my trailer in Laramie. I know that we will eventually move on from Rock Springs but I am greatful to my son for influencing our decision to buy a house in these times. Hopefully the market will improve and this place that we love will build a nest egg for the future.
In the last few weeks, we have built a new flower bed, raked and cleaned cigarette butts and other debri, planted shrubs, bushes and veggies, mowed and watered and cleaned siding and windows. I am pooped but impressed with myself. I have a home, for the first time since we sold my trailer in Laramie. I know that we will eventually move on from Rock Springs but I am greatful to my son for influencing our decision to buy a house in these times. Hopefully the market will improve and this place that we love will build a nest egg for the future.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mother's Day...
My first mother's day. It's been a busy weekend. Matt and I have started to build our yard up, little changes to make our first house our own. I'm proud of us because I think we have made smart choices in setting up our home.
I attended my cousin Kaycee's graduation party tonight and am so proud of my cousin for being herself and working hard. I looked around at all the awesome Mothers in the room and even though no big deal was made of it, I could feel the love and concern in the eyes of my women.
I think that I have a connection and fascination with the women in my life because these same strong, smart and intuitive people have been a part of my life from the beginning. They have kept a large, diverse family connected over the years and it has paid off in the best way possible.
Sometimes no words need to be said, just thoughts and wishes for the future. Happy Mother's Day to my own mother, who is the most amazing, hard-working woman I know, and to all women who know the heart breaking affection that is motherhood and to those amazing women who do their best to raise good people who love their fellow man.
I attended my cousin Kaycee's graduation party tonight and am so proud of my cousin for being herself and working hard. I looked around at all the awesome Mothers in the room and even though no big deal was made of it, I could feel the love and concern in the eyes of my women.
I think that I have a connection and fascination with the women in my life because these same strong, smart and intuitive people have been a part of my life from the beginning. They have kept a large, diverse family connected over the years and it has paid off in the best way possible.
Sometimes no words need to be said, just thoughts and wishes for the future. Happy Mother's Day to my own mother, who is the most amazing, hard-working woman I know, and to all women who know the heart breaking affection that is motherhood and to those amazing women who do their best to raise good people who love their fellow man.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Love and Marriage
Insomnia again last night. I keep waking up after a few hours of sleep and running through everything that has happened in the last few months. I try to shut it off, I've always used visualization to great effect with a racing mind. Lately though, my tried and true images have failed me and I find myself awake in the wee hours of the morning with nothing to do but get up and watch early morning television (adult swim is one of my favs). Despite the hype surrounding the royal wedding, I was barely interested in who designed Kate's dress and whether it was a slight that the Obama's were left out of the festivities. It is funny to me that I then found myself in front of my tv at 3am watching people in funny hats arriving at Westminster Abbey (a stunning piece of architecture for sure).
I love weddings. I always have, even before my own. The thing about weddings, once you're married, is that watching one always makes you think of your own. My own nuptuals could not have been more different than the ones exchanged today between William and Kate and yet I thought of what a universal human institution marriage is. It seems natural to many of us to want to spend our lives with someone who understands us, who shares our memories and our pain, who accepts us for who we are.
Then there are practicalities, things I appreciate having been in a long term relationship prior to saying "I do". Insurance benefits, tax benefits, a certain level of societal approval. Not having to introduce my spouse as "my boyfriend". I am an ardent supporter of all people being allowed this privilege no matter who it is they chose to love. Committed partnerships and familes, regardless of their form are always a betterment to society. We need to recognize this and support it for people in our communities.
Mostly tho, what I wanted to express in this post is how fortunate I feel to have found my own partner in this life. I am continuously amazed at the strength of his character and his love for me. I would not have made it through our loss without him. I am looking forward to a weekend away with him, we leave in the morning for some shopping and relaxation. Hopefully the cats don't destroy the house while we're gone!
I love weddings. I always have, even before my own. The thing about weddings, once you're married, is that watching one always makes you think of your own. My own nuptuals could not have been more different than the ones exchanged today between William and Kate and yet I thought of what a universal human institution marriage is. It seems natural to many of us to want to spend our lives with someone who understands us, who shares our memories and our pain, who accepts us for who we are.
Then there are practicalities, things I appreciate having been in a long term relationship prior to saying "I do". Insurance benefits, tax benefits, a certain level of societal approval. Not having to introduce my spouse as "my boyfriend". I am an ardent supporter of all people being allowed this privilege no matter who it is they chose to love. Committed partnerships and familes, regardless of their form are always a betterment to society. We need to recognize this and support it for people in our communities.
Mostly tho, what I wanted to express in this post is how fortunate I feel to have found my own partner in this life. I am continuously amazed at the strength of his character and his love for me. I would not have made it through our loss without him. I am looking forward to a weekend away with him, we leave in the morning for some shopping and relaxation. Hopefully the cats don't destroy the house while we're gone!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Working it out
Matt and I have recently established a fairly regular work out routine. It is awesome that because Matthew is employed by the city, we get a free pass to the rec and civic centers in Rock Springs. I think that it is a wonderful benefit and one I remember using often while growing up (my dad was a city employee). We prefer the civic center so far, it is low key and not too busy at 4ish when we tend to go. The crazy thing is that I have wanted to be more active and in shape for years now and I can't believe how good it makes you feel. I have really been enjoying it and can tell the difference that it has made in a pretty short amount of time.
I had this thought today as I was relishing the feeling of tired muscles, that Silas is the reason that I have focused my energy on being healthy and active for the first time in years. Not only because I really started taking care of myself again while I was pregnant with him, but also because I wanted my body to be strong again after I lost him. I can imagine that I would have less motivation to go to the gym if I were spending my days immersed in caring for a baby, running a house and spending time with family and friends. So, in my desire to have my body return to some semblance of normalcy I have found a mental release and mood boost to help me through the long slog that is my grief.
I had this thought today as I was relishing the feeling of tired muscles, that Silas is the reason that I have focused my energy on being healthy and active for the first time in years. Not only because I really started taking care of myself again while I was pregnant with him, but also because I wanted my body to be strong again after I lost him. I can imagine that I would have less motivation to go to the gym if I were spending my days immersed in caring for a baby, running a house and spending time with family and friends. So, in my desire to have my body return to some semblance of normalcy I have found a mental release and mood boost to help me through the long slog that is my grief.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Bagels...
Started work back at the Bagle shop today (Sage Creek Bagles to those not within Sweetwater County). The long, short story is that I was offered a part time position as a Youth Services assistant at the library and I turned it down after a couple days at work. Seems I wasn't meant to take care of other people's children and I realized that I would prefer a position doing something that doesn't require my emotional energy right now. It's actually really wonderful to clock in at 9am and all of a sudden it's time to clock out at 3pm. Poof! Didn't have to put a lot of thought into working for six hours...I like it.
The thing is, I have to cope with seeing mothers of young children and pregnant people eventually. I mean, 2 of my best friends are having babies in July. I have to deal with the wave of sadness I feel when someone talks about some aspect of pregnancy and I want to relate. Who wants to be reminded that my child didn't survive his own gestation? It's not even like I want to be sad about it, I just really enjoyed feeling my son grow inside me and it's all I have of him to hold on to. I just want to talk about it like it didn't end in tragedy sometimes.
Today was a pretty good day, interspersed with bad moments. The pregnant lady at the bagel counter, the little kids eating with their parents. Getting home to find that my life is still the same... At least I have a place to go and pass my days, I'm thankful for this job and the chance I have to recover myself before returning to some semblance of reality.. Thankful that my sister came by my house tonight to cheer me up. Good and bad, I guess that's the way it works...
The thing is, I have to cope with seeing mothers of young children and pregnant people eventually. I mean, 2 of my best friends are having babies in July. I have to deal with the wave of sadness I feel when someone talks about some aspect of pregnancy and I want to relate. Who wants to be reminded that my child didn't survive his own gestation? It's not even like I want to be sad about it, I just really enjoyed feeling my son grow inside me and it's all I have of him to hold on to. I just want to talk about it like it didn't end in tragedy sometimes.
Today was a pretty good day, interspersed with bad moments. The pregnant lady at the bagel counter, the little kids eating with their parents. Getting home to find that my life is still the same... At least I have a place to go and pass my days, I'm thankful for this job and the chance I have to recover myself before returning to some semblance of reality.. Thankful that my sister came by my house tonight to cheer me up. Good and bad, I guess that's the way it works...
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
My first memory...
It's funny that when you are surrounded by children you tend to remember what it was like to be one. Today was my first day at the library and I got a crash course in Youth Services. We had over 500 students from the 5th and 6th grades come into the library to do "research" for reports. I felt unprepared but the nice thing about children is that you can generally fake it and they won't notice. Turns out it was a pretty decent day...
Last night as I was falling asleep I kept thinking about the first memory that I could recall as a small child. We had taken a trip to see my Grandparents Love in Wisconsin. Lacy was still a bald little baby so I couldn't have been much older than 3. My great grandparents who we called "Grandma and Grandpa the Great" were there and I think that "Grandma the Great" died shortly after this trip. She was my first memory. I recall green, green grass at the cottage they owned and a sweet woman with a halo of white hair. I had the sense that it was really hot and humid, the air seemed to wave as if in a dream. She was talking to me, trying to get me to come towards her.
I honestly don't know much about my great grandmother and I need to sit down with my father some time and ask him about her. I had the sense that she was a kind woman and that I enjoyed the day we spent in the grass next to the Wisconsin river, a place that my father had grown up visiting and owns to this day. It is so wonderful that she left this imprint upon my life, even as a small child I felt her love.
Last night as I was falling asleep I kept thinking about the first memory that I could recall as a small child. We had taken a trip to see my Grandparents Love in Wisconsin. Lacy was still a bald little baby so I couldn't have been much older than 3. My great grandparents who we called "Grandma and Grandpa the Great" were there and I think that "Grandma the Great" died shortly after this trip. She was my first memory. I recall green, green grass at the cottage they owned and a sweet woman with a halo of white hair. I had the sense that it was really hot and humid, the air seemed to wave as if in a dream. She was talking to me, trying to get me to come towards her.
I honestly don't know much about my great grandmother and I need to sit down with my father some time and ask him about her. I had the sense that she was a kind woman and that I enjoyed the day we spent in the grass next to the Wisconsin river, a place that my father had grown up visiting and owns to this day. It is so wonderful that she left this imprint upon my life, even as a small child I felt her love.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Moving on...
When I think back on the last 5 years of my life, I recall thinking that something was missing. I put in my time, earned a degree, moved out on my own and still, I felt unfulfilled and sought to fill that emptiness with anything that would pass the time. It was as if my life was missing some piece that would make me whole. Silas was not planned, and I know from experience that many babies are not. It is still strange to me that when I took that pregnancy test, all of a sudden my life made sense.
I have never had an easy time deciding what to make of myself, so many of my decisions were based on convenience or some trigger that pushed me towards a choice. When I found out I was pregnant, it was like a mind made up, "this is what I am supposed to do with my life, I have to take care of this child." Decisions that I would have agonized over for months came as quick as the thought presented itself. "We had to move out of my in-laws house, we couldn't raise our child in some shitty apartment, I'm going to stay home for a few years".... It all worked itself out.
By the time Silas was born I had invented a new identity for myself, one that seemed to have made sense all along. I had always wanted to be a mother, the missing role to reward me for my seeming success. I am so lost now, trying to figure out the next step. The identity that I built over eight months has disolved into the things that are left. I have a home, which I love but which has become a mortgage tying me to this place. A summer to fill without stroller rides around the block. A job that I will enjoy, but that I will never attend without thoughts of staying at home and watching my child grow. A wonderful husband that I cannot look at without seeing the eyes of our son. I must move on for the sake of these things but it is hard to know how.
I have never had an easy time deciding what to make of myself, so many of my decisions were based on convenience or some trigger that pushed me towards a choice. When I found out I was pregnant, it was like a mind made up, "this is what I am supposed to do with my life, I have to take care of this child." Decisions that I would have agonized over for months came as quick as the thought presented itself. "We had to move out of my in-laws house, we couldn't raise our child in some shitty apartment, I'm going to stay home for a few years".... It all worked itself out.
By the time Silas was born I had invented a new identity for myself, one that seemed to have made sense all along. I had always wanted to be a mother, the missing role to reward me for my seeming success. I am so lost now, trying to figure out the next step. The identity that I built over eight months has disolved into the things that are left. I have a home, which I love but which has become a mortgage tying me to this place. A summer to fill without stroller rides around the block. A job that I will enjoy, but that I will never attend without thoughts of staying at home and watching my child grow. A wonderful husband that I cannot look at without seeing the eyes of our son. I must move on for the sake of these things but it is hard to know how.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Planned Parenthood
This blog will be a departure from my usual, as I am upset today about not only the death of my son, but with the complete lack of common sense in the halls of our government. We are threatened today with a complete government shutdown effecting our troops, federal workers, national parks and many more. The reason for this stalement among our elected officials; Planned Parenthood. The debate? Planned parenthood among other things, provides abortion services to low income women. The fact that these services are not paid for with government money has apparently been lost on republicans who insist that "The largest abortion provider in America should not also be the largest recipient of federal funding under Title X."
The fact is that the vast majority of the services provided by this organization involve access to cancer screenings, contraceptives and STD screening. In fact, according to Cecile Rich of Planned Parenthood "One in five women in America have been to a Planned Parenthood health center for basic health care," she said. "Ninety-seven percent of our services are basic preventative care that women rely on in communities across this country. Women and men of all parties and all walks of life are concerned about these kinds of efforts to play politics with women's health care access."
I find it sad that we as a country have decided that we will refuse to balance our deficit on the backs of the wealthy and have instead decided that it's okay to do so on the backs of low income women who would otherwise have no access to reproductive health care. As a woman who has used Title X funding for healthcare and contraceptives, I am appalled that denial of these services is being promoted on ideological grounds. When will the republican party learn that it cannot use it's influence to promote it's own brand of morality, something on which we will never come to an agreement? Services associated with Planned Parenthood are one of the things that make this country great and it will be a sad day when political posturing affects the health of millions of women across the United States. Kudos to democrats for standing up against this ridiculous legislation, I truly hope that republicans concede before the deadline this evening.
The fact is that the vast majority of the services provided by this organization involve access to cancer screenings, contraceptives and STD screening. In fact, according to Cecile Rich of Planned Parenthood "One in five women in America have been to a Planned Parenthood health center for basic health care," she said. "Ninety-seven percent of our services are basic preventative care that women rely on in communities across this country. Women and men of all parties and all walks of life are concerned about these kinds of efforts to play politics with women's health care access."
I find it sad that we as a country have decided that we will refuse to balance our deficit on the backs of the wealthy and have instead decided that it's okay to do so on the backs of low income women who would otherwise have no access to reproductive health care. As a woman who has used Title X funding for healthcare and contraceptives, I am appalled that denial of these services is being promoted on ideological grounds. When will the republican party learn that it cannot use it's influence to promote it's own brand of morality, something on which we will never come to an agreement? Services associated with Planned Parenthood are one of the things that make this country great and it will be a sad day when political posturing affects the health of millions of women across the United States. Kudos to democrats for standing up against this ridiculous legislation, I truly hope that republicans concede before the deadline this evening.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Grandma Ann
Went to the cemetary today. We had to remove many of the items my family has placed on our son's grave. I worked at the Laramie cemetary for awhile and I know how hard it is to mow around all the stuff people leave for their loved ones. April 4th is the day that they pull all of these items so they can begin spring maintenence of the graves. It was harder than I expected to take these things, without a gravestone they are markers and reminders of our love. I just kept looking at that little dirt mound. How do they even dig a hole that small?
My great grandma's grave is right next door and I thought of the video I watched a week ago, Grandma Ann's 75th birthday. I was about 3 years old. My family was so young, it was weird seeing everyone together in the same place. Grandma Ann was so cute and you could feel the love that surrounded her as she unwrapped her presents. The night I watched the video I went to sleep hearing her voice. She was so excited about her "microwave oven" that she recieved as a gift.
I love that Silas is right there next to her. I truly can picture her holding him, waiting for me to join them, wherever they are. I am so touched by the items left for him, a tinkerbell statue from cousin Amy, a little angel statue from Aunt Sherry, a pinwheel from my mom. I think that until his headstone is in place I will keep these things in a shrine in my yard, reminders of the love that my family has for him and always will. God, I miss that little guy. I'm tired of the pain that I feel over his loss. But I can tell from that old video that time marches on and in the end we will always have the love that has brought us this far. It will be here long past our own graves and will continue on into eternity in the lives of those we leave behind.
My great grandma's grave is right next door and I thought of the video I watched a week ago, Grandma Ann's 75th birthday. I was about 3 years old. My family was so young, it was weird seeing everyone together in the same place. Grandma Ann was so cute and you could feel the love that surrounded her as she unwrapped her presents. The night I watched the video I went to sleep hearing her voice. She was so excited about her "microwave oven" that she recieved as a gift.
I love that Silas is right there next to her. I truly can picture her holding him, waiting for me to join them, wherever they are. I am so touched by the items left for him, a tinkerbell statue from cousin Amy, a little angel statue from Aunt Sherry, a pinwheel from my mom. I think that until his headstone is in place I will keep these things in a shrine in my yard, reminders of the love that my family has for him and always will. God, I miss that little guy. I'm tired of the pain that I feel over his loss. But I can tell from that old video that time marches on and in the end we will always have the love that has brought us this far. It will be here long past our own graves and will continue on into eternity in the lives of those we leave behind.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Something good....
My family had suffered some sadness over the last 10 years. I remember when my uncle Bill's restaurant went under, that was a big deal. Then I remember when my mom's baby brother went to prison, that was a bigger deal. It seems like we have spent the majority of the last 10 years being sad for one reason or another. I do not want to down play the pain that has accompanied these small tragedies. I know the way they have affected the people that I love.
My sister said to me tonight, "I just wanted something good." I am not a religious person but it is hard to know why people who are so kind and loving would be chosen to lose something so great. I can picture my parents playing with their grandson, laughing as he learned to walk, nights spent at Aunt Lacy's house with those crazy cats. I can see him surrounded by love and attention, his big eyes taking in these strange people as they taught him to talk. He would have made all those dark times worth the heartache, a bright light in this world, a reason to continue the fight.
That is what children do, they aren't supposed to die. They are supposed to remind us of all that is good in this world, to teach us that there is a reason to go on. I think often of the joy that my friend's kids have given to me, of their wisdom and love. I will try to hold on to that while I mourn my own loss. Emily, my friend Cori's oldest girl came up to me the other day. She had been so aware and excited about the baby in my belly while I was pregnant. I don't know what her mother told her about what happened but I was nervous about seeing her after all that went on. She came into the room and gave me a big hug. She didn't say a thing, but put a snap bracelette that she had been wearing around all day on my wrist and went outside to play. It's like she knew that I needed her love and she gave it to me without any production or expectation. Then it was time to move on.....
My sister said to me tonight, "I just wanted something good." I am not a religious person but it is hard to know why people who are so kind and loving would be chosen to lose something so great. I can picture my parents playing with their grandson, laughing as he learned to walk, nights spent at Aunt Lacy's house with those crazy cats. I can see him surrounded by love and attention, his big eyes taking in these strange people as they taught him to talk. He would have made all those dark times worth the heartache, a bright light in this world, a reason to continue the fight.
That is what children do, they aren't supposed to die. They are supposed to remind us of all that is good in this world, to teach us that there is a reason to go on. I think often of the joy that my friend's kids have given to me, of their wisdom and love. I will try to hold on to that while I mourn my own loss. Emily, my friend Cori's oldest girl came up to me the other day. She had been so aware and excited about the baby in my belly while I was pregnant. I don't know what her mother told her about what happened but I was nervous about seeing her after all that went on. She came into the room and gave me a big hug. She didn't say a thing, but put a snap bracelette that she had been wearing around all day on my wrist and went outside to play. It's like she knew that I needed her love and she gave it to me without any production or expectation. Then it was time to move on.....
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Packing up...
Just finished packing up the baby's room with my mother. Over the last month the door has stayed closed but every day I would go in and look at the crib, decorations and stuffed animals, and the clothes neatly folded in the dresser. I would take a deep breath and inhale the smell of diapers and freshly washed bedding and think of the preparation that went into putting the room together. It was sad but also strangely soothing to be surrounded by these things.
The week before I delivered Silas was spent in a mad dash to get the room put together. We had just moved in to our new home and unpacked the essentials; kitchen, bathroom, bedroom. I didn't want to decorate the baby's room before it was painted so my dear husband spent the hours after work patiently painting the walls and trim while I checked in from time to time (not wanting to inhale paint fumes in the closed space). We stayed up into the late hours assembling furniture and my mom finally helped me put the crib together just days before I checked in to the hospital. What a sight we must of been, me so pregnant that I could hardly bend over (and forget about getting up once I was on the ground) my mom fresh out of foot surgery limping around the endless parts of furniture. We finished it though and managed to have fun in the process, sharing the excitement of seeing the room come together.
Looking back, I wonder why I was in such a hurry to get it all done. "The baby doesn't care where he sleeps" people would tell me, but I wanted everything to be ready. When he was born the room was waiting for him. Blankets, clothes, monitors in place, all ready to be used. My consolation is that all of the beautiful things I was given at his shower, all the sweat and love that went into preparing for his arrival was not a waste. Someday these same things will welcome his brother or sister's birth and his spirit will be in every last item. I never got to wrap him in his homemade afghan or see him in those cute little outfits but our next child will feel the love that went into our preparations from the moment they are born, they will know their brother even though they never got to meet him. They will know how special he was.
The week before I delivered Silas was spent in a mad dash to get the room put together. We had just moved in to our new home and unpacked the essentials; kitchen, bathroom, bedroom. I didn't want to decorate the baby's room before it was painted so my dear husband spent the hours after work patiently painting the walls and trim while I checked in from time to time (not wanting to inhale paint fumes in the closed space). We stayed up into the late hours assembling furniture and my mom finally helped me put the crib together just days before I checked in to the hospital. What a sight we must of been, me so pregnant that I could hardly bend over (and forget about getting up once I was on the ground) my mom fresh out of foot surgery limping around the endless parts of furniture. We finished it though and managed to have fun in the process, sharing the excitement of seeing the room come together.
Looking back, I wonder why I was in such a hurry to get it all done. "The baby doesn't care where he sleeps" people would tell me, but I wanted everything to be ready. When he was born the room was waiting for him. Blankets, clothes, monitors in place, all ready to be used. My consolation is that all of the beautiful things I was given at his shower, all the sweat and love that went into preparing for his arrival was not a waste. Someday these same things will welcome his brother or sister's birth and his spirit will be in every last item. I never got to wrap him in his homemade afghan or see him in those cute little outfits but our next child will feel the love that went into our preparations from the moment they are born, they will know their brother even though they never got to meet him. They will know how special he was.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Bad parents
I am so angry today. My neighbor, who I will call Pajama Pants, after the attire that I perpetually see him in, came by my house today to ask my husband for a ride to the store. Apparently he was out of diapers for his son. He gets into our truck and then informs my husband that he needs to stop by Hastings to pawn some movies in order to pay for the diapers. My husband feels sorry for the child so he agrees to do this, only to have "Pajama Pants" ask him if he would like to come over for a beer. My husband declines, and I can only think of the beer cases constantly overflowing from "Pajama's" trash can on garbage day.
My husband and I have not always been the most mature people in the world, but when we found out that I was pregnant we changed our lives for our son. We quit bad habits, worked hard at our jobs, bought a house and prepared for the day that we would bring our child home. Now we are left with empty arms and people like "Pajama Pants" have children that they are not willing to sacrifice for.
Sometimes I feel that there is no justice in this life, for nine months I felt my child move inside me and waited for the happy day when I would welcome him into my world. I remember lying in my bed at night, feeling him kick and smiling because I knew that the love we would give to him would be endless. And not just while he was a cute little baby, but for the rest of his life. Having a child isn't just about carrying that child for nine months or cuddling him while he is helpless and small. It is a lifetime commitment that many are not willing to make. I was. Seeing and hearing about children whose parents refuse to make this commitment is almost more than I can bare. I wonder constantly, "why them and not me?"
My husband and I have not always been the most mature people in the world, but when we found out that I was pregnant we changed our lives for our son. We quit bad habits, worked hard at our jobs, bought a house and prepared for the day that we would bring our child home. Now we are left with empty arms and people like "Pajama Pants" have children that they are not willing to sacrifice for.
Sometimes I feel that there is no justice in this life, for nine months I felt my child move inside me and waited for the happy day when I would welcome him into my world. I remember lying in my bed at night, feeling him kick and smiling because I knew that the love we would give to him would be endless. And not just while he was a cute little baby, but for the rest of his life. Having a child isn't just about carrying that child for nine months or cuddling him while he is helpless and small. It is a lifetime commitment that many are not willing to make. I was. Seeing and hearing about children whose parents refuse to make this commitment is almost more than I can bare. I wonder constantly, "why them and not me?"
My baby boy
I am creating this blog for my son, whom I lost 7 hours after his birth on February 14th, 2011. He was the greatest gift I have ever been given. We named him Silas Matthew Love and he looked like an angel, big eyes, chubby cheeks and beautiful glowing skin. I wish that I would have got the chance to show him off to everyone I love but I am so thankful for the precious time that I got to spend with him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)