Something good....

My family had suffered some sadness over the last 10 years. I remember when my uncle Bill's restaurant went under, that was a big deal. Then I remember when my mom's baby brother went to prison, that was a bigger deal. It seems like we have spent the majority of the last 10 years being sad for one reason or another. I do not want to down play the pain that has accompanied these small tragedies. I know the way they have affected the people that I love.

My sister said to me tonight, "I just wanted something good." I am not a religious person but it is hard to know why people who are so kind and loving would be chosen to lose something so great. I can picture my parents playing with their grandson, laughing as he learned to walk, nights spent at Aunt Lacy's house with those crazy cats. I can see him surrounded by love and attention, his big eyes taking in these strange people as they taught him to talk. He would have made all those dark times worth the heartache, a bright light in this world, a reason to continue the fight.

 That is what children do, they aren't supposed to die. They are supposed to remind us of all that is good in this world, to teach us that there is a reason to go on. I think often of the joy that my friend's kids have given to me, of their wisdom and love. I will try to hold on to that while I mourn my own loss. Emily, my friend Cori's oldest girl came up to me the other day. She had been so aware and excited about the baby in my belly while I was pregnant. I don't know what her mother told her about what happened but I was nervous about seeing her after all that went on. She came into the room and gave me a big hug. She didn't say a thing, but put a snap bracelette that she had been wearing around all day on my wrist and went outside to play. It's like she knew that I needed her love and she gave it to me without any production or expectation. Then it was time to move on.....