Just finished packing up the baby's room with my mother. Over the last month the door has stayed closed but every day I would go in and look at the crib, decorations and stuffed animals, and the clothes neatly folded in the dresser. I would take a deep breath and inhale the smell of diapers and freshly washed bedding and think of the preparation that went into putting the room together. It was sad but also strangely soothing to be surrounded by these things.
The week before I delivered Silas was spent in a mad dash to get the room put together. We had just moved in to our new home and unpacked the essentials; kitchen, bathroom, bedroom. I didn't want to decorate the baby's room before it was painted so my dear husband spent the hours after work patiently painting the walls and trim while I checked in from time to time (not wanting to inhale paint fumes in the closed space). We stayed up into the late hours assembling furniture and my mom finally helped me put the crib together just days before I checked in to the hospital. What a sight we must of been, me so pregnant that I could hardly bend over (and forget about getting up once I was on the ground) my mom fresh out of foot surgery limping around the endless parts of furniture. We finished it though and managed to have fun in the process, sharing the excitement of seeing the room come together.
Looking back, I wonder why I was in such a hurry to get it all done. "The baby doesn't care where he sleeps" people would tell me, but I wanted everything to be ready. When he was born the room was waiting for him. Blankets, clothes, monitors in place, all ready to be used. My consolation is that all of the beautiful things I was given at his shower, all the sweat and love that went into preparing for his arrival was not a waste. Someday these same things will welcome his brother or sister's birth and his spirit will be in every last item. I never got to wrap him in his homemade afghan or see him in those cute little outfits but our next child will feel the love that went into our preparations from the moment they are born, they will know their brother even though they never got to meet him. They will know how special he was.
Thank you for sharing this. It is so good to hear how you are doing and managing. I love you. Your strength is so inspiring. Much love to you, Matt and always..."Si-Guy."
ReplyDeleteLyndsay, you and Matt are incredibly special, too, and are true parents because of the love and devotion you gave your son. I can't wait to meet Silas's future siblings and dote upon them the love I feel for Silas. I love you guys and feel fortunate that you chose to share this blog with us.
ReplyDeleteWow. Sometimes I forget how amazing the people who surround me truly are. I am so glad that I got to share in the joy of waiting for Silas and I am beyond thrilled to know that I have more cousins to look forward to. Love is the most incredible thing in the world. It can make you feel on top of the world and it can break your heart. It's truly amazing to be witness to the love you and Matt have for life and each other. I second Maria in that your strength is inspiring.
ReplyDeleteMuch love from all of us in Dub-Vee-Cee. Hope to see you soon!
I am glad to see you writing. I hope it is bringing you a small degree of peace. The love that we have for Silas will never go away and will only multiply when he has a brother or sister. XOXOXO!
ReplyDeleteThis blog is so wonderful Lyndsey. This is a great space to get it all out there and express those things so deep in your heart, soul and mind. I like to share these with you too. We want to walk with you in your healing. I so admire your strength but more so your endless effort to see that this was a process and preparation and that Silas will always live in the future with you and your family. He will always be their brother and your son and we all love him.
ReplyDeleteThis truly touches me. You are such an amazing mother and Silas is so blessed to have you as your future children will be. I know Silas is smiling on you and always will. Your strength is truly amazing and I thank God for the Love that you carry in your heart. Just know that we are here for you and that all your feelings are valid.
ReplyDelete"....our next child will feel the love that went into our preparations from the moment they are born, they will know their brother even though they never got to meet him. They will know how special he was."
ReplyDeleteProfound insight and so true. How lucky they will be to know how special he was.