Stages of grief

I guess I have finally reached the "anger" stage of grief. This summer has been non-stop. 10 year reunion, visiting Daniel, weddings, friends having babies... I am so overwhelmed and I have no reprieve in sight. I feel obligation to attend these happy events, I actually enjoy the distraction that they provide, and yet....  Every moment of someone else's happiness reminds me of my own sorrow. How selfish I feel for being resentful of these people that I love with all my heart.

I am to the point  that I don't even want to celebrate my birthday next week. I had planned on celebrating with my little baby and his grandparents, aunts and uncles. It seems kind of empty to celebrate my 28th year, considering  that it has brought me such sadness. I'm 28 soon with a broken heart that keeps bleeding no matter how much I participate and pretend.

I often think that someone or something must be responsible for what happened. If I did everything right, who fucked up? Why was my son delivered without any concern for his maturity or due date? Why was it assumed that he would handle a natural birth without some kind of preparation for the fact that he was a preemie? Why was Life Flight not called the instant he showed signs of respiratory distress? Why were we allowed to believe for 6 hours that he had just had a rough start and would perk up with time?

It shouldn't have happened the way it did and the longer I live with it, the more I ask myself these questions. They haunt my dreams and my waking life. Every second that I live I wish for answers that will never come. I must accept his loss and the daily reminders of it. I just don't know how....