Little Feet...

Just watched Silas' sonogram for the first time since I was pregnant. It brought back so many feelings. I was 22 weeks preggo and we found out that we were having a boy (which I knew all along). He was perfect according to the images, they measured his head, heart rate, the size of his femur, etc... My mom and Matthew were there for the happy event, we watched in wonder as the doctor gave us a glimpse of the amazing life within.

The part that got me though ( I had memorized the images of my son, his feet, his ears, the little scrotum that told us his gender), was the end of the vidoe, it showed the doctor giving his report on the sonogram. Every category was "normal", every indication was healthy. He was big, major organs intact, healthy pacenta. I remember hearing those words and finally allowing myself to accept his life and my role in it.

I will never know what happened to my son. I've read the charts, reennacted his birth. I am okay with the decision I made to skip the autopsy, I didn't want to put my baby through more trauma. It was hard enough to witness the efforts to save his life. Wires, IV's, the trauma of his birth. It was too much for anyone and I was ill prepared based on my pregnancy, to accept what had occured. It is just a fact of my life and I cannot do anything but move on from it and remember the lesson that life presents to us all. When it seems that all is hopeless, we have tomorrow to convince us to go on.

October 14, 2010 was the first time I felt my child move. Silas is gone but that moment is a treasured memory in my life. Every moment that I spent with him warms my heart and reminds me that each of us leaves a mark in this world, no matter how brief our time may be. I never got to tell my son what he did for me and those I love, but I do believe that he knew it all along.