Started work back at the Bagle shop today (Sage Creek Bagles to those not within Sweetwater County). The long, short story is that I was offered a part time position as a Youth Services assistant at the library and I turned it down after a couple days at work. Seems I wasn't meant to take care of other people's children and I realized that I would prefer a position doing something that doesn't require my emotional energy right now. It's actually really wonderful to clock in at 9am and all of a sudden it's time to clock out at 3pm. Poof! Didn't have to put a lot of thought into working for six hours...I like it.
The thing is, I have to cope with seeing mothers of young children and pregnant people eventually. I mean, 2 of my best friends are having babies in July. I have to deal with the wave of sadness I feel when someone talks about some aspect of pregnancy and I want to relate. Who wants to be reminded that my child didn't survive his own gestation? It's not even like I want to be sad about it, I just really enjoyed feeling my son grow inside me and it's all I have of him to hold on to. I just want to talk about it like it didn't end in tragedy sometimes.
Today was a pretty good day, interspersed with bad moments. The pregnant lady at the bagel counter, the little kids eating with their parents. Getting home to find that my life is still the same... At least I have a place to go and pass my days, I'm thankful for this job and the chance I have to recover myself before returning to some semblance of reality.. Thankful that my sister came by my house tonight to cheer me up. Good and bad, I guess that's the way it works...
"I just want to talk about it like it didn't end in tragedy sometimes."
ReplyDeleteThis line really resonated with me. I hope that you have lots of people in your life who allow you to do this and that you can do this as much as you want.
I do Ames, everyone has been awesome about letting me talk. I think that any awkwardness I feel is my own.
ReplyDeleteI am a mother without a child, it is just a strange situation to be in. I want recognition of that role but I can't relate to actually raising a child. I wish that I could be talking about his first smile or how cute it was that Matt was watching the Rockies game with his 2 month old. Or what the doctor said at his checkup. Things I should be talking about right now...
Hey Lynds,
ReplyDeleteI totally understand what you are saying. I know you feel loss every day, but I never thought about how you will forever reflect on the firsts that should be happening, without actually getting to have the experience of the firsts. But what you said that really resonated with me is, "I am a mother without a child."
I have known other people who lost children that didn't identify themselves as mothers. I knew that I couldn't understand what you were going through, but your post here gave me a little bit clearer picture of it. I just wanted you to know how much I think you honor Silas by identifying your self as Silas's mother, and how proud I am of you wanting that recognition, although I know it has to hurt.
I really wish we had gotten to know each other better, but I really love you (and Matthew and Silas), and think of you often.
Love,
Joan
Joan,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your input. I feel like I have gotten to know you through this tragedy. It means so much to me to hear from you and to know how much you care.
Love ya!