When I think back on the last 5 years of my life, I recall thinking that something was missing. I put in my time, earned a degree, moved out on my own and still, I felt unfulfilled and sought to fill that emptiness with anything that would pass the time. It was as if my life was missing some piece that would make me whole. Silas was not planned, and I know from experience that many babies are not. It is still strange to me that when I took that pregnancy test, all of a sudden my life made sense.
I have never had an easy time deciding what to make of myself, so many of my decisions were based on convenience or some trigger that pushed me towards a choice. When I found out I was pregnant, it was like a mind made up, "this is what I am supposed to do with my life, I have to take care of this child." Decisions that I would have agonized over for months came as quick as the thought presented itself. "We had to move out of my in-laws house, we couldn't raise our child in some shitty apartment, I'm going to stay home for a few years".... It all worked itself out.
By the time Silas was born I had invented a new identity for myself, one that seemed to have made sense all along. I had always wanted to be a mother, the missing role to reward me for my seeming success. I am so lost now, trying to figure out the next step. The identity that I built over eight months has disolved into the things that are left. I have a home, which I love but which has become a mortgage tying me to this place. A summer to fill without stroller rides around the block. A job that I will enjoy, but that I will never attend without thoughts of staying at home and watching my child grow. A wonderful husband that I cannot look at without seeing the eyes of our son. I must move on for the sake of these things but it is hard to know how.
Although I did not get to see your gorgeous face as much as I would have liked to in those amazing eight months, from the moment I heard you were pregnant it was so amazing to watch you change and grow and glow! It was apparent in your face and in your personality how much your son meant to you and how excited you were for him. This is now and always will be who you are and I love how the love for Silas was written in your smile! It is amazing to me how we all loved him so much before he was even here and will continue to forever!
ReplyDeleteMaria's words echo my thoughts completely. But moving on is not for the sake of things, it is for the sake of the love we have for those around us and for the hope of a brighter future. Even before you held Silas in your arms you were changed, and once you and Matthew held him in your arms you became a family in every sense of the word. You have been forever altered by the love you have for Silas. I understand that feeling of being complete and having the hole in your life filled with the prospect of having and raising a child. It was what I feel I was meant to be...a mother. You are a mother, Silas' mother, and you have been forever altered by him and your love for him. It may be hard for some to understand, but not me, I understand it completely. Embrace the love that surrounds you, the love you and Matthew share, the love that created your beautful son. And the love that so many of us hold in our hearts. Oh how I wish I could carry you through these days, however they are part of your life's journey, and I can only accompany you on this path. Know I treasure you even more now that you are not only my daughter, but my grandson's mother. I hold you tightly in my heart and would do anything to help you on this journey. Hopefully the love that surrounds you helps lighten your load a little bit each day. Always and forever I cherish you, Matthew and of course, our beautiful Silas.
ReplyDelete"I must move on for the sake of these things but it is hard to know how."
ReplyDeleteMaybe you have to let go of the "knowing how" and just do? Maybe.
Thank you all for your comments, and especially you Anne. I know that you feel my pain as someone who has went through it with your own child. I thank you for your understanding and support. I do cherish the love that has been given so freely by friends and family, it will carry me through these dark days...
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ReplyDeleteAnd I wasn't talking about "things" in the literal sense, I was referring to things in general as in steps taken in preparation of our son, and daily reminders of his loss...
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what you are feeling, Lynds. But I do know how my heart will forever have an amazing supply of love because my son gave the the first taste of the most deep and powerful love I have ever felt. I know that no matter where life takes you, Silas will be a part of you as you "move on", because he is now and always will be a part of you and of Matthew, and because he changed your life by bestowing the gift of motherhood upon you. I hope you know that as your figure out what "moving on" means for you, that you know that you are loved and no one has any expectations of what you "should" do. I know you and Matthew will honor your love for each other and Silas by living your life according to the lessons that you learned as you became a mother. I love you, and I know that if you trust your heart and are true to yourself, you will find out what moving on means for you. I love you!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Joan, it means the world to me that you follow this process we are going through and relate to me as you love your own son. I need the voice of my family as a I try to "move on". It is the support I lean on when I feel that I have nothing else...
ReplyDeleteSame to you Tiri, we haven't talked much since these events but you have always been my cousin, even before Matt decided that he should probably hang on to me!! I have loved the times we've spent together, kindred spirits, always.
As for you Ames, I can never express what an influence you have had on my life. You are my hero, woman, I have often asked myself how you would respond to such a tragedy. I hope we will never know. But your humor and grace has set an example for me to follow... Not making this up at all, thank you for your input.
Thank you for your words Lynds. All of them. And as "Jujusma" said above it is important for all of us who love and support you to remember that we have to let go of all of our expectations for you and just let you navigate this journey the way that works for you.
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