Kids are awesome! I love the experience of knowing a child from the time they are in their mom's belly til they're wearing big kid pants and telling you wise things about their lives. For some reason these kids love me(and others) unconditionally, without reserves. My little Breezy (who hide from me the entire time my dear friend Cori was pregnant) is so whip smart! She shared an epiphany with me tonight, "Lyndsey, did you know that everyone has a mom? That means that we're all kids!"
I stress about my mom stressing about me but that wise statement from the mouth of a 4 year old made me realize that when you raise a child from birth to adulthood, they are always your baby. All of us pooped our diaper and smiled at people that think we're cute and grew with our parents love.
I am almost scared to take that on, considering that I was on the brink of that committment and thought I was ready for it. No one is ready for it but I also had the realization that I was made for that job, that I love babies and kids too. I was meant to be a mom. My whole life, I have wondered what I should do with the gift that is my life, my personality, my talents. Raising a child is not my only goal but it is what I need to feel complete.
I'm not going to rush or pressure myself, it's going to happen when it's meant to, just like my Silas existed to change the way that everyone he was connected to look at their lives. I don't buy into the sinner v. christian perspective but I do believe that things happen for a reason and every interaction with a fellow human being teaches you something about yourself. How lucky we all are....
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
My favorite place
Let me set the stage... It is 10:30 in the evening and I am sitting on my back porch watching the night. The temperature is perfect and the view is better! From my backyard I can see the bluff that looms over Dewar Drive against a black night sky. I can hear traffic and the faint sound of music from the bar two blocks away. My neighbor's fan whirls in the background and the moon is shining through the trees that shade my yard.
Matthew and I have been working our asses off to get everything ready for the cousin reunion on Friday, I am glad that we have a good reason to accomplish these projects because my yard is awesome! I was just sitting back here thinking of the difference between the place we bought and the place we live in now and I am so grateful for and proud of the progress I see.
Also, it is my little sister's 27th birthday today and I feel so lucky to be challenged and loved by her for all those years. Life is much better when you you have been through shit and truly appreciate the things that don't suck! Love ya Lace!
Matthew and I have been working our asses off to get everything ready for the cousin reunion on Friday, I am glad that we have a good reason to accomplish these projects because my yard is awesome! I was just sitting back here thinking of the difference between the place we bought and the place we live in now and I am so grateful for and proud of the progress I see.
Also, it is my little sister's 27th birthday today and I feel so lucky to be challenged and loved by her for all those years. Life is much better when you you have been through shit and truly appreciate the things that don't suck! Love ya Lace!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Happy Mother's Day 2012
Today began as any other Sunday, hard work in the yard, family to see, laundry to do. Maxwell did not apparently care that it was mother's day and this mom wanted to sleep in! So began a morning of toil in the yard with my husband.We have spent the entire weekend with major landscaping activity and what I like to call, "investing in the economy." AKA spending lots of money on my home.
We have created something from nothing. We have transformed our little chunk of the world. Honestly, I almost teared up when we sat down in our lawn chairs and gazed upon the progress that we have made. I so wish that we had taken "before" pictures to compare to the new place that we have made. Flowers, vegetables, green grass, new trees and shrubs. We have lived here 1 year and 3 months and it is not the same place that we bought, it has been changed with love and sweat and all those other cliches (which are totally true, by the way).
I have learned how to garden, from my hard working, meticulous, eager to please husband. All those conversations, the education that we are paying for, hopes and dreams that we have beeen cultivating (no pun intended).... they have paid off big time in the result that I found myself admiring at 8:30 this evening. Matthew and I shared a beer and admired the thing which has kept us close, kept us busy and filled a small part of the void we share, our wonderful, annoying, old as dirt, comfortable home.
I realized after the stress of the last week that I have truly needed an outlet to work out my troubles. Stabbing dirt and coaxing life out of garbage seems to have done the trick. I was left with a Mother's Day epiphany. Get ready for it...
What I have learned from celebrating the mothers in my life on a day when the last thing I feel like doing is acknowledging my own weird place in such a holiday is, that I know how profound and terrifying and gratifying that relationship is. If you participate in that, if you truly understand what it will be like to live with that knowledge; the joy and the fear and the incredible drive that makes you the best version of yourself; it cannot be taken back. Your responsibility, your duty, is to shape your life with that knowledge at the forefront of your thoughts. That is fucking huge...get ready to commit!
It is such a gift. Even without my son to raise, I can look around and see what that eternal love and responsiblity has brought to my life. Besides my grief, I could not name a single thing about being a mother that has not been instrumental in my growth as a person, or an improvement to my life. I am who I am because I know that bond.
We have created something from nothing. We have transformed our little chunk of the world. Honestly, I almost teared up when we sat down in our lawn chairs and gazed upon the progress that we have made. I so wish that we had taken "before" pictures to compare to the new place that we have made. Flowers, vegetables, green grass, new trees and shrubs. We have lived here 1 year and 3 months and it is not the same place that we bought, it has been changed with love and sweat and all those other cliches (which are totally true, by the way).
I have learned how to garden, from my hard working, meticulous, eager to please husband. All those conversations, the education that we are paying for, hopes and dreams that we have beeen cultivating (no pun intended).... they have paid off big time in the result that I found myself admiring at 8:30 this evening. Matthew and I shared a beer and admired the thing which has kept us close, kept us busy and filled a small part of the void we share, our wonderful, annoying, old as dirt, comfortable home.
I realized after the stress of the last week that I have truly needed an outlet to work out my troubles. Stabbing dirt and coaxing life out of garbage seems to have done the trick. I was left with a Mother's Day epiphany. Get ready for it...
What I have learned from celebrating the mothers in my life on a day when the last thing I feel like doing is acknowledging my own weird place in such a holiday is, that I know how profound and terrifying and gratifying that relationship is. If you participate in that, if you truly understand what it will be like to live with that knowledge; the joy and the fear and the incredible drive that makes you the best version of yourself; it cannot be taken back. Your responsibility, your duty, is to shape your life with that knowledge at the forefront of your thoughts. That is fucking huge...get ready to commit!
It is such a gift. Even without my son to raise, I can look around and see what that eternal love and responsiblity has brought to my life. Besides my grief, I could not name a single thing about being a mother that has not been instrumental in my growth as a person, or an improvement to my life. I am who I am because I know that bond.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
How do you feel?
My mama asked me this question today, 'How do you feel?' . Well, she asks me this question quite frequently but today my answer was different. It was true. I feel awesome today, I am excited about the future for so many reasons... We are almost done with the fence, I am getting a new car, we are trying for another baby, work was fun, my house is beautiful. I could go on and on! I am happy, right now, at this very moment. I am excited about the future, and I have an excellent summer to look forward to.
That led me to this epiphany... If we could go back to my life in 2009, to Lyndsey being the wife of a college stuudent (and heavy drinker), and ask my 2009 self where I would want to be at that moment, I think that 2009 Me would have wanted to be right here. I wanted to be settled, I wanted my own home, I wanted to be thinking about starting a family. If you were to erase the sadness of losing Silas from my life and put me in this same place, would I be happy? The answer is yes.
The crazy thing is that I would not be here without the experience of having and losing my child. He is what pushed us to buy our home. He was the reason for our growth as a couple and as adults. He brought us together and showed us our strengths. Because of Silas, I am happy even though I am sad.
That led me to this epiphany... If we could go back to my life in 2009, to Lyndsey being the wife of a college stuudent (and heavy drinker), and ask my 2009 self where I would want to be at that moment, I think that 2009 Me would have wanted to be right here. I wanted to be settled, I wanted my own home, I wanted to be thinking about starting a family. If you were to erase the sadness of losing Silas from my life and put me in this same place, would I be happy? The answer is yes.
The crazy thing is that I would not be here without the experience of having and losing my child. He is what pushed us to buy our home. He was the reason for our growth as a couple and as adults. He brought us together and showed us our strengths. Because of Silas, I am happy even though I am sad.
Friday, March 9, 2012
March on
Hot flashes. Cold sweat. I wake up at 2:48 am and relive my nightmare all over. I wish that I could stop obsessing. I show up during the day, go to work, deal with drama and do my job. I come home and the silence hits me. It doesn't leave until I go to work the next day. So many nights I lay awake and think of my son.
I feel like I have failed him. I have lost myself without his presence. I find small comfort in the future and yet it feels a long way off when confronted with the reality of today. I would have liked to have handled it better, to be one of those people that changes their life and helps other going through similar pain. Instead I wallow in the emptiness I feel.
I have moments of grace. Times when I am proud of myself for my ability to council a friend, find joy in the day or call a plan to fruition. I keep trying to embrace those times and propell myself forward. My last moment of the day will forever be spent wondering "what if" and thinking about my baby. I will find a similar light in my next child but the ghost of my son will follow me wherever I go. Stronger...perhaps, but also broken in a way that cannot be healed.
I feel like I have failed him. I have lost myself without his presence. I find small comfort in the future and yet it feels a long way off when confronted with the reality of today. I would have liked to have handled it better, to be one of those people that changes their life and helps other going through similar pain. Instead I wallow in the emptiness I feel.
I have moments of grace. Times when I am proud of myself for my ability to council a friend, find joy in the day or call a plan to fruition. I keep trying to embrace those times and propell myself forward. My last moment of the day will forever be spent wondering "what if" and thinking about my baby. I will find a similar light in my next child but the ghost of my son will follow me wherever I go. Stronger...perhaps, but also broken in a way that cannot be healed.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
We survived. Sometimes I have no idea where the year has gone. I barely remember summer, putting up the fence, tearing the bathroom apart, settling into my new home. "Celebrating" my birthday without my son. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. By the time people were rushing to the florist for Valentine's gifts, I was steeling myself for yet another holiday without him. Why Valentine's day, my love? Hearts, cupids, candy, cheesy ass proposals... I've always hated that shit.
The day itself was unremarkable, but there was one shining moment. My dearest little mother ordered balloons to be let go for the occasion. We went to the cemetary and watched the balloons soar together for miles... it was beautiful. And even though everyone in attendence was bereft without Silas's smiling face, we were together in the love that brought us there in the first place.
I ran into my OB nurse at the store today. She was absolutely wonderful and everytime I see her, I am reminded of the good that exists in all of us. The fact that she, and all the people that love us, recognized Valentine's day as more than a consumer holiday, means the world to me. Thank you for your support and kindness.
The day itself was unremarkable, but there was one shining moment. My dearest little mother ordered balloons to be let go for the occasion. We went to the cemetary and watched the balloons soar together for miles... it was beautiful. And even though everyone in attendence was bereft without Silas's smiling face, we were together in the love that brought us there in the first place.
I ran into my OB nurse at the store today. She was absolutely wonderful and everytime I see her, I am reminded of the good that exists in all of us. The fact that she, and all the people that love us, recognized Valentine's day as more than a consumer holiday, means the world to me. Thank you for your support and kindness.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
1 Year
Over the last year I often wondered how helpful it really is to express my most raw emotions on such a public forum. I have upset my poor mother, insighted worry about the state of my emotional health and laid bare some of my most private joys, fears and sorrow. Browsing through previous blogs have revealed a trend... I am eaither full of optimism and hope for the future or angry and resentful about my experience.
People say that the first year of grief is the hardest to face. It has been an insane and chaotic time in my life. I am reminded daily by dear friends that I try my best to stay in touch with, how different my life should be. It is not their fault that they remind me so. It is just a fact of life. Matthew and I are not alone in the burden we share, you do not get through life without tragedy and pain. That is also a fact.
A wise woman told me the other day that I should not allow myself to become bitter. It is sometimes difficult to remind myself of all the beauty that life offers in exchange for this hardship. Those who manage to accept this balance are rewarded with peace in their souls for the path they've chosen. That is what I wish for myself and those I love.
People say that the first year of grief is the hardest to face. It has been an insane and chaotic time in my life. I am reminded daily by dear friends that I try my best to stay in touch with, how different my life should be. It is not their fault that they remind me so. It is just a fact of life. Matthew and I are not alone in the burden we share, you do not get through life without tragedy and pain. That is also a fact.
A wise woman told me the other day that I should not allow myself to become bitter. It is sometimes difficult to remind myself of all the beauty that life offers in exchange for this hardship. Those who manage to accept this balance are rewarded with peace in their souls for the path they've chosen. That is what I wish for myself and those I love.
Friday, January 27, 2012
The powers that be...
I have always played loosely with the concept of God. I remember going to church on occasion with Grandma; mormon church. Long sermon (that's what you call it, right?). Welcome song in seminary... always feeling out of place. Later on, some chick wants me to attend a mormon hayride. Don't know these people, don't relate.College years, I think I am a spiritual person (what does that mean?). I think that there is something beyond this life, but what the fuck do I know?
Lose my child who saved me from the abyss... what just god would allow it? I asked myself this question tonight. What "heavenly father" would have me become pregnant with this little soul, who by his very existence saved me from all the habits and addictions that I had become dependant upon, just to leave me bereft and without the healing grace of his presence?
Not fair, is it? All these assholes with children to raise. All these assholes and their good luck. I would give anything to have my son. To have something to convince me that it is worth the chore of waking up every day and trying to be the optimist for everyone I know. For now, I am tired, fuck all y'all. Guess you're gonna have to do it without me... I'm spent.
Lose my child who saved me from the abyss... what just god would allow it? I asked myself this question tonight. What "heavenly father" would have me become pregnant with this little soul, who by his very existence saved me from all the habits and addictions that I had become dependant upon, just to leave me bereft and without the healing grace of his presence?
Not fair, is it? All these assholes with children to raise. All these assholes and their good luck. I would give anything to have my son. To have something to convince me that it is worth the chore of waking up every day and trying to be the optimist for everyone I know. For now, I am tired, fuck all y'all. Guess you're gonna have to do it without me... I'm spent.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Silent Night...
I am sitting here in my favorite room, my living/dining room. I have been enjoying my Christmas decor and looking forward to sharing the holiday with my loved ones. I have been excited for weeks about putting up a tree and having a little holiday cheer. My first Christmas in my new home and the beginning of a few new traditions. My parents and Lacy will be at my house for Christmas morning and the unwrapping of gifts. I have to add that our upstairs bathroom will finally be functional, as we are in the last stages of our 6 month remodel project!! I remember many years in Laramie, decorating some funny tree that we found right off the road (because we were never prepared to hike into the wilderness, we found trees that were within our line of sight!) Our tree this year is beautiful and brightens my evenings and lifts my spirits.
I was running some errands this afternoon and thinking about the holiday season and how hectic life becomes with so many obligations, travel plans and expenses. Matt and I had been talking about how the holidays coincide with the darkest time of the year. It feels strange to watch the sun set behind the hills at 4:30 at night. But in the darkness, we have created a season to celebrate the things we are grateful for, the people that we love. Trying to find the perfect present, cooking an elaborate meal, taking time to acknowledge that being alive is in itself a miracle... they are all part of a need to create light out of dark.
My mother has always written little words of affection and inspiration in our greeting cards throughout the years. Christmas, birthdays, just because, my sister and I always smile at her elegant, optimistic lines and I have many of those cards saved in shoe box in my closet. This year, she searched online for quotes that matched the individual situations and life changes that Lace and I were going through. I love the one she found for me...
Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us.
It is true that I am not spending this holiday season (or, the past 10 months) as I had hoped and dreamed to. It is also true that everyday is an excruciating reminder that Silas is not here with us. My heart aches to think of taking family pictures for greeting cards (I didn't even muster the energy this year), watching my baby boy playing with wrapping paper and new toys on Christmas morning, delighting in his fascination with the lights and ornaments on the tree. What would it have been like to be responsible for those pictures, those memories?
I will know the answer to those questions some day. And I will cherish it all the more for Silas and the knowledge of all the holidays and special occasions that I will miss out on with him, my first child, my beautiful son. The story of the birth of Christ is one of hope. It is fitting that the week of our Christmas celebrations coincides with the winter solstice. From this point on, there will only be more light.
I was running some errands this afternoon and thinking about the holiday season and how hectic life becomes with so many obligations, travel plans and expenses. Matt and I had been talking about how the holidays coincide with the darkest time of the year. It feels strange to watch the sun set behind the hills at 4:30 at night. But in the darkness, we have created a season to celebrate the things we are grateful for, the people that we love. Trying to find the perfect present, cooking an elaborate meal, taking time to acknowledge that being alive is in itself a miracle... they are all part of a need to create light out of dark.
My mother has always written little words of affection and inspiration in our greeting cards throughout the years. Christmas, birthdays, just because, my sister and I always smile at her elegant, optimistic lines and I have many of those cards saved in shoe box in my closet. This year, she searched online for quotes that matched the individual situations and life changes that Lace and I were going through. I love the one she found for me...
Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us.
It is true that I am not spending this holiday season (or, the past 10 months) as I had hoped and dreamed to. It is also true that everyday is an excruciating reminder that Silas is not here with us. My heart aches to think of taking family pictures for greeting cards (I didn't even muster the energy this year), watching my baby boy playing with wrapping paper and new toys on Christmas morning, delighting in his fascination with the lights and ornaments on the tree. What would it have been like to be responsible for those pictures, those memories?
I will know the answer to those questions some day. And I will cherish it all the more for Silas and the knowledge of all the holidays and special occasions that I will miss out on with him, my first child, my beautiful son. The story of the birth of Christ is one of hope. It is fitting that the week of our Christmas celebrations coincides with the winter solstice. From this point on, there will only be more light.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Counselor
People keep telling me that I am strong. I know those words to be true but every time I hear them I think if all the weak moments that no one sees. It is sometimes necessary to put on a brave face and pretend that your only purpose is to be right here, right now. I have learned that doing just that is what allows me to face the day. Honestly, it seems that usually when I feel the need to "blog" (as the kids say) I am upset with something about my life.
So let this be my "brave face" for the day... I woke up ready to go and hungry.I had good food to eat and Dr. Pepper to drink at work. I attenpted to be kind to people and was rewarded with kindness in turn. I accomplished a task in my household and am looking forward to curling up in bed with my husband and my cat-children. What more can a person ask?
I think that if I train myself to recognize the small gifts that each day brings, perhaps one day, I will truly believe what I say aloud. When I write, I am affirming something that my brain comprehends but that my heart does not. People are taken aback by my openess sometimes, which makes me appreciate the people I interact with on a daily basis all the more. Thankfully, I've been allowed to grieve in my own way and receive comfort from expressing my experience with people who care about me.
Shit... maybe I should be a counselor, I could put some of this "wisdom" to work!
So let this be my "brave face" for the day... I woke up ready to go and hungry.I had good food to eat and Dr. Pepper to drink at work. I attenpted to be kind to people and was rewarded with kindness in turn. I accomplished a task in my household and am looking forward to curling up in bed with my husband and my cat-children. What more can a person ask?
I think that if I train myself to recognize the small gifts that each day brings, perhaps one day, I will truly believe what I say aloud. When I write, I am affirming something that my brain comprehends but that my heart does not. People are taken aback by my openess sometimes, which makes me appreciate the people I interact with on a daily basis all the more. Thankfully, I've been allowed to grieve in my own way and receive comfort from expressing my experience with people who care about me.
Shit... maybe I should be a counselor, I could put some of this "wisdom" to work!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Little Feet...
Just watched Silas' sonogram for the first time since I was pregnant. It brought back so many feelings. I was 22 weeks preggo and we found out that we were having a boy (which I knew all along). He was perfect according to the images, they measured his head, heart rate, the size of his femur, etc... My mom and Matthew were there for the happy event, we watched in wonder as the doctor gave us a glimpse of the amazing life within.
The part that got me though ( I had memorized the images of my son, his feet, his ears, the little scrotum that told us his gender), was the end of the vidoe, it showed the doctor giving his report on the sonogram. Every category was "normal", every indication was healthy. He was big, major organs intact, healthy pacenta. I remember hearing those words and finally allowing myself to accept his life and my role in it.
I will never know what happened to my son. I've read the charts, reennacted his birth. I am okay with the decision I made to skip the autopsy, I didn't want to put my baby through more trauma. It was hard enough to witness the efforts to save his life. Wires, IV's, the trauma of his birth. It was too much for anyone and I was ill prepared based on my pregnancy, to accept what had occured. It is just a fact of my life and I cannot do anything but move on from it and remember the lesson that life presents to us all. When it seems that all is hopeless, we have tomorrow to convince us to go on.
October 14, 2010 was the first time I felt my child move. Silas is gone but that moment is a treasured memory in my life. Every moment that I spent with him warms my heart and reminds me that each of us leaves a mark in this world, no matter how brief our time may be. I never got to tell my son what he did for me and those I love, but I do believe that he knew it all along.
The part that got me though ( I had memorized the images of my son, his feet, his ears, the little scrotum that told us his gender), was the end of the vidoe, it showed the doctor giving his report on the sonogram. Every category was "normal", every indication was healthy. He was big, major organs intact, healthy pacenta. I remember hearing those words and finally allowing myself to accept his life and my role in it.
I will never know what happened to my son. I've read the charts, reennacted his birth. I am okay with the decision I made to skip the autopsy, I didn't want to put my baby through more trauma. It was hard enough to witness the efforts to save his life. Wires, IV's, the trauma of his birth. It was too much for anyone and I was ill prepared based on my pregnancy, to accept what had occured. It is just a fact of my life and I cannot do anything but move on from it and remember the lesson that life presents to us all. When it seems that all is hopeless, we have tomorrow to convince us to go on.
October 14, 2010 was the first time I felt my child move. Silas is gone but that moment is a treasured memory in my life. Every moment that I spent with him warms my heart and reminds me that each of us leaves a mark in this world, no matter how brief our time may be. I never got to tell my son what he did for me and those I love, but I do believe that he knew it all along.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Anniversaries...
Today was awesome. My dad came down to help us install the first (and most important) 100 foot of fence in the back yard. Matt and I have spent spare time the last few weeks cutting the old metal posts and prepping the yard for a new, wood fence. We ordered supplies, rented equipment and planned the new line and this morning my parents arrived for the big project. It went up quick and mother nature even blessed us with a cool, overcast morning for our efforts. The new fence cuts our visual of the junkyard next door and will eventually wrap around our entire yard.
I'm glad that it has been such a productive day because in the back of my mind I have been dreading this day all week. Silas would have been 6 months old today. Perspective is a crazy thing sometimes. I have been thinking all week about what he would look like now, what milestones his dad and I would have witnessed and celebrated. He'd be chubby-faced, I would have spent hours adoring his smile, his little body, his personality. I would be comfortable in my role as mommy, figuring out this whole parenting thing.
Add to that the fact that it is Matthew and my 2nd anniversary tomorrow, but it feels like 9 years to me (in a good way, I promise). 2 years ago, I stood on my grandparent's lawn and committed myself to a lifetime with my husband, through good times and bad. It seems like we have had our share of both the last couple of years. We don't always get along or agree but we have something that nothing in this world can take from us and I am grateful every day. Happy Anniversary to my husband and the father of my child, I look forward to our life together and to all the good times ahead.
I'm glad that it has been such a productive day because in the back of my mind I have been dreading this day all week. Silas would have been 6 months old today. Perspective is a crazy thing sometimes. I have been thinking all week about what he would look like now, what milestones his dad and I would have witnessed and celebrated. He'd be chubby-faced, I would have spent hours adoring his smile, his little body, his personality. I would be comfortable in my role as mommy, figuring out this whole parenting thing.
Add to that the fact that it is Matthew and my 2nd anniversary tomorrow, but it feels like 9 years to me (in a good way, I promise). 2 years ago, I stood on my grandparent's lawn and committed myself to a lifetime with my husband, through good times and bad. It seems like we have had our share of both the last couple of years. We don't always get along or agree but we have something that nothing in this world can take from us and I am grateful every day. Happy Anniversary to my husband and the father of my child, I look forward to our life together and to all the good times ahead.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Memories
Things I remember about my son...
He sat on my bladder from the moment he was conceived. I was worried that I would never be able to take a road trip again! The first time I felt him move was mid October, I was driving back to Rock Springs from Laramie (I had just purchased my first pair of maternity pants). We were cooking dinner the first time Matthew felt him move, we sat there smiling at eachother like a couple of idiots, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Silas liked to roll around in my belly while Matt and I watched documentaries on Netflix in bed. He was my constant companion and my favorite thing about carrying him was feeling him move and kick.
I spent eight months imagining what he would look like, I dreamed about him (although early in my pregnancy I dreamed that he was a girl). When he came out, I saw his face and he looked just like I had expected, like I had known his face forever. It was the most beautiful little face I have ever seen. Then they took him away and the rest of my memory is of his death. I held him several times that night and can still feel the weight of his little body in my arms.
The last gift that my little boy gave me and my family was the warmth of the sun on my back during his funeral. Matthew and I were standing in front of family and friends on a cold, grey day in February and while we read our goodbyes, the clouds parted and we were warm. I like to think that he heard us and wanted us to know that he was okay.
The time I spent carrying my baby and the precious moments that I had with him after his birth are memories that I will always cherish. I can look back on them with joy and fondness, he was a part of me that I love.
He sat on my bladder from the moment he was conceived. I was worried that I would never be able to take a road trip again! The first time I felt him move was mid October, I was driving back to Rock Springs from Laramie (I had just purchased my first pair of maternity pants). We were cooking dinner the first time Matthew felt him move, we sat there smiling at eachother like a couple of idiots, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Silas liked to roll around in my belly while Matt and I watched documentaries on Netflix in bed. He was my constant companion and my favorite thing about carrying him was feeling him move and kick.
I spent eight months imagining what he would look like, I dreamed about him (although early in my pregnancy I dreamed that he was a girl). When he came out, I saw his face and he looked just like I had expected, like I had known his face forever. It was the most beautiful little face I have ever seen. Then they took him away and the rest of my memory is of his death. I held him several times that night and can still feel the weight of his little body in my arms.
The last gift that my little boy gave me and my family was the warmth of the sun on my back during his funeral. Matthew and I were standing in front of family and friends on a cold, grey day in February and while we read our goodbyes, the clouds parted and we were warm. I like to think that he heard us and wanted us to know that he was okay.
The time I spent carrying my baby and the precious moments that I had with him after his birth are memories that I will always cherish. I can look back on them with joy and fondness, he was a part of me that I love.
Friday, July 22, 2011
TGIF
I would like to attempt a positive blog for a change, today was a pretty good day so here I go.... Matthew has left for a few days of camping with his father and brother and I am enjoying the time alone. It's funny how rarely the situation presents itself when you are married. I have been cleaning the house, catching up with friends on the phone, playing with the kittens and watching whatever I want on tv. Also, I enjoy hogging the whole bed without my bony spouse poking his elbows into me!
I recently e-mailed my old boss at Modern Printing to catch up on life and order some printing for Matt's tree business. I have so many old, old friends. People I've known forever... I've also been fortunate to make many friends in the years following high school. My former employer is one of them. His son is a senior in high school now, which means I have known him for 8 years! He hired me when I was a 20 year old kid, ranting about the greed of the corporation that I had previously worked for. Working for his business was one of the luckiest breaks I've ever had and I am thankful to be a part of the family down there.
I think I will spend the remainder of the evening cleaning my bathroom and taking a long, hot bath. It really is the little things in life that keep you going when the big things are fucked up. Life is hard but I try to enjoy the soup of the day at work, or the warm sun on my face in the morning, or my cute little kitten faces. It makes it easier to get through the day and reminds me that I'm glad to be here even as I am sad that my son is not.
I recently e-mailed my old boss at Modern Printing to catch up on life and order some printing for Matt's tree business. I have so many old, old friends. People I've known forever... I've also been fortunate to make many friends in the years following high school. My former employer is one of them. His son is a senior in high school now, which means I have known him for 8 years! He hired me when I was a 20 year old kid, ranting about the greed of the corporation that I had previously worked for. Working for his business was one of the luckiest breaks I've ever had and I am thankful to be a part of the family down there.
I think I will spend the remainder of the evening cleaning my bathroom and taking a long, hot bath. It really is the little things in life that keep you going when the big things are fucked up. Life is hard but I try to enjoy the soup of the day at work, or the warm sun on my face in the morning, or my cute little kitten faces. It makes it easier to get through the day and reminds me that I'm glad to be here even as I am sad that my son is not.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Stages of grief
I guess I have finally reached the "anger" stage of grief. This summer has been non-stop. 10 year reunion, visiting Daniel, weddings, friends having babies... I am so overwhelmed and I have no reprieve in sight. I feel obligation to attend these happy events, I actually enjoy the distraction that they provide, and yet.... Every moment of someone else's happiness reminds me of my own sorrow. How selfish I feel for being resentful of these people that I love with all my heart.
I am to the point that I don't even want to celebrate my birthday next week. I had planned on celebrating with my little baby and his grandparents, aunts and uncles. It seems kind of empty to celebrate my 28th year, considering that it has brought me such sadness. I'm 28 soon with a broken heart that keeps bleeding no matter how much I participate and pretend.
I often think that someone or something must be responsible for what happened. If I did everything right, who fucked up? Why was my son delivered without any concern for his maturity or due date? Why was it assumed that he would handle a natural birth without some kind of preparation for the fact that he was a preemie? Why was Life Flight not called the instant he showed signs of respiratory distress? Why were we allowed to believe for 6 hours that he had just had a rough start and would perk up with time?
It shouldn't have happened the way it did and the longer I live with it, the more I ask myself these questions. They haunt my dreams and my waking life. Every second that I live I wish for answers that will never come. I must accept his loss and the daily reminders of it. I just don't know how....
I am to the point that I don't even want to celebrate my birthday next week. I had planned on celebrating with my little baby and his grandparents, aunts and uncles. It seems kind of empty to celebrate my 28th year, considering that it has brought me such sadness. I'm 28 soon with a broken heart that keeps bleeding no matter how much I participate and pretend.
I often think that someone or something must be responsible for what happened. If I did everything right, who fucked up? Why was my son delivered without any concern for his maturity or due date? Why was it assumed that he would handle a natural birth without some kind of preparation for the fact that he was a preemie? Why was Life Flight not called the instant he showed signs of respiratory distress? Why were we allowed to believe for 6 hours that he had just had a rough start and would perk up with time?
It shouldn't have happened the way it did and the longer I live with it, the more I ask myself these questions. They haunt my dreams and my waking life. Every second that I live I wish for answers that will never come. I must accept his loss and the daily reminders of it. I just don't know how....
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Sick
I am going to allow myself some negativity today. I woke up in a horrible mood and it has hung over my head like a cloud all day. I am sick of pretending that I am okay. I should be raising a 4 month old right now, I should be getting ready to show him off to my friends at our 10 year reunion. I should be occupied with diapers, bottles and naps. Instead I am having seizures at work and avoiding my parents. I am so tired. I am so depressed. Now I have a whole barrage of tests to endure, financial hardship on top of everything else. I quit! What the fuck else does the universe want want me to endure? I'm over it. Can I please just hide in a hole for the next few months?
Today is Father's Day and I honor my husband for being the man that he is. From the start he has been my support, my reason to go on. He loved Silas from the moment he knew about him and was nothing short of wonderful for my entire pregnancy and birth. I am trying to get over my seizure hangover, to let the people in my life know what they mean to me, but I am changed. I will never cope with the loss that I feel, I just have to hope that the people around me can cope with the person I am now. This person is not a saint, just a lowly human being trying to deal with the cards I have been dealt. All I want is another child, not to replace my precious Silas but to give us a reason to continue this fight.
Today is Father's Day and I honor my husband for being the man that he is. From the start he has been my support, my reason to go on. He loved Silas from the moment he knew about him and was nothing short of wonderful for my entire pregnancy and birth. I am trying to get over my seizure hangover, to let the people in my life know what they mean to me, but I am changed. I will never cope with the loss that I feel, I just have to hope that the people around me can cope with the person I am now. This person is not a saint, just a lowly human being trying to deal with the cards I have been dealt. All I want is another child, not to replace my precious Silas but to give us a reason to continue this fight.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Random...
Went to visit Silas' grave the other day, they'd installed his headstone and planted sod. I have to admit that it was really hard to visit an unmarked, dirt mound at the cemetary. It looked so nice, granite headstone and grass thanks to the Mormon missionaries who put sod down every Memorial Day. My Grandma Ann's 100 birthday was 2 days ago, I took comfort in wishing her Happy Birthday.
I have a shrine in my yard with the things that were left at Silas' grave, if the cemetary cannot maintain the spot, I will with my own little garden of tulips and green things. I had a moment of peace days ago in San Diego, sitting on the beach with an ocean breeze in my face. What a beautiful place to visit, I would love to be there permanently some day.
Congrats to my hero, Amy for earning her masters and thanks for giving me a reason to visit such a wonderful place. It was nice to travel and put away my sadness for a weekend (mostly), I love my cousins and my family for taking care of me and giving me a vacation from my everyday life.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
My home...
Finally, a few minutes to catch my breath. I've been admiring the shadows falling on my floors and the sound of the trains rumbling along. I had a moment of peace looking upon the progress that we have made in the short months since moving into our new home. I got to show it off this weekend, we've "entertained", as they like to say on HGTV. Nothing big, just a few social events that required me to clean.
In the last few weeks, we have built a new flower bed, raked and cleaned cigarette butts and other debri, planted shrubs, bushes and veggies, mowed and watered and cleaned siding and windows. I am pooped but impressed with myself. I have a home, for the first time since we sold my trailer in Laramie. I know that we will eventually move on from Rock Springs but I am greatful to my son for influencing our decision to buy a house in these times. Hopefully the market will improve and this place that we love will build a nest egg for the future.
In the last few weeks, we have built a new flower bed, raked and cleaned cigarette butts and other debri, planted shrubs, bushes and veggies, mowed and watered and cleaned siding and windows. I am pooped but impressed with myself. I have a home, for the first time since we sold my trailer in Laramie. I know that we will eventually move on from Rock Springs but I am greatful to my son for influencing our decision to buy a house in these times. Hopefully the market will improve and this place that we love will build a nest egg for the future.
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