Insomnia again last night. I keep waking up after a few hours of sleep and running through everything that has happened in the last few months. I try to shut it off, I've always used visualization to great effect with a racing mind. Lately though, my tried and true images have failed me and I find myself awake in the wee hours of the morning with nothing to do but get up and watch early morning television (adult swim is one of my favs). Despite the hype surrounding the royal wedding, I was barely interested in who designed Kate's dress and whether it was a slight that the Obama's were left out of the festivities. It is funny to me that I then found myself in front of my tv at 3am watching people in funny hats arriving at Westminster Abbey (a stunning piece of architecture for sure).
I love weddings. I always have, even before my own. The thing about weddings, once you're married, is that watching one always makes you think of your own. My own nuptuals could not have been more different than the ones exchanged today between William and Kate and yet I thought of what a universal human institution marriage is. It seems natural to many of us to want to spend our lives with someone who understands us, who shares our memories and our pain, who accepts us for who we are.
Then there are practicalities, things I appreciate having been in a long term relationship prior to saying "I do". Insurance benefits, tax benefits, a certain level of societal approval. Not having to introduce my spouse as "my boyfriend". I am an ardent supporter of all people being allowed this privilege no matter who it is they chose to love. Committed partnerships and familes, regardless of their form are always a betterment to society. We need to recognize this and support it for people in our communities.
Mostly tho, what I wanted to express in this post is how fortunate I feel to have found my own partner in this life. I am continuously amazed at the strength of his character and his love for me. I would not have made it through our loss without him. I am looking forward to a weekend away with him, we leave in the morning for some shopping and relaxation. Hopefully the cats don't destroy the house while we're gone!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Working it out
Matt and I have recently established a fairly regular work out routine. It is awesome that because Matthew is employed by the city, we get a free pass to the rec and civic centers in Rock Springs. I think that it is a wonderful benefit and one I remember using often while growing up (my dad was a city employee). We prefer the civic center so far, it is low key and not too busy at 4ish when we tend to go. The crazy thing is that I have wanted to be more active and in shape for years now and I can't believe how good it makes you feel. I have really been enjoying it and can tell the difference that it has made in a pretty short amount of time.
I had this thought today as I was relishing the feeling of tired muscles, that Silas is the reason that I have focused my energy on being healthy and active for the first time in years. Not only because I really started taking care of myself again while I was pregnant with him, but also because I wanted my body to be strong again after I lost him. I can imagine that I would have less motivation to go to the gym if I were spending my days immersed in caring for a baby, running a house and spending time with family and friends. So, in my desire to have my body return to some semblance of normalcy I have found a mental release and mood boost to help me through the long slog that is my grief.
I had this thought today as I was relishing the feeling of tired muscles, that Silas is the reason that I have focused my energy on being healthy and active for the first time in years. Not only because I really started taking care of myself again while I was pregnant with him, but also because I wanted my body to be strong again after I lost him. I can imagine that I would have less motivation to go to the gym if I were spending my days immersed in caring for a baby, running a house and spending time with family and friends. So, in my desire to have my body return to some semblance of normalcy I have found a mental release and mood boost to help me through the long slog that is my grief.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Bagels...
Started work back at the Bagle shop today (Sage Creek Bagles to those not within Sweetwater County). The long, short story is that I was offered a part time position as a Youth Services assistant at the library and I turned it down after a couple days at work. Seems I wasn't meant to take care of other people's children and I realized that I would prefer a position doing something that doesn't require my emotional energy right now. It's actually really wonderful to clock in at 9am and all of a sudden it's time to clock out at 3pm. Poof! Didn't have to put a lot of thought into working for six hours...I like it.
The thing is, I have to cope with seeing mothers of young children and pregnant people eventually. I mean, 2 of my best friends are having babies in July. I have to deal with the wave of sadness I feel when someone talks about some aspect of pregnancy and I want to relate. Who wants to be reminded that my child didn't survive his own gestation? It's not even like I want to be sad about it, I just really enjoyed feeling my son grow inside me and it's all I have of him to hold on to. I just want to talk about it like it didn't end in tragedy sometimes.
Today was a pretty good day, interspersed with bad moments. The pregnant lady at the bagel counter, the little kids eating with their parents. Getting home to find that my life is still the same... At least I have a place to go and pass my days, I'm thankful for this job and the chance I have to recover myself before returning to some semblance of reality.. Thankful that my sister came by my house tonight to cheer me up. Good and bad, I guess that's the way it works...
The thing is, I have to cope with seeing mothers of young children and pregnant people eventually. I mean, 2 of my best friends are having babies in July. I have to deal with the wave of sadness I feel when someone talks about some aspect of pregnancy and I want to relate. Who wants to be reminded that my child didn't survive his own gestation? It's not even like I want to be sad about it, I just really enjoyed feeling my son grow inside me and it's all I have of him to hold on to. I just want to talk about it like it didn't end in tragedy sometimes.
Today was a pretty good day, interspersed with bad moments. The pregnant lady at the bagel counter, the little kids eating with their parents. Getting home to find that my life is still the same... At least I have a place to go and pass my days, I'm thankful for this job and the chance I have to recover myself before returning to some semblance of reality.. Thankful that my sister came by my house tonight to cheer me up. Good and bad, I guess that's the way it works...
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
My first memory...
It's funny that when you are surrounded by children you tend to remember what it was like to be one. Today was my first day at the library and I got a crash course in Youth Services. We had over 500 students from the 5th and 6th grades come into the library to do "research" for reports. I felt unprepared but the nice thing about children is that you can generally fake it and they won't notice. Turns out it was a pretty decent day...
Last night as I was falling asleep I kept thinking about the first memory that I could recall as a small child. We had taken a trip to see my Grandparents Love in Wisconsin. Lacy was still a bald little baby so I couldn't have been much older than 3. My great grandparents who we called "Grandma and Grandpa the Great" were there and I think that "Grandma the Great" died shortly after this trip. She was my first memory. I recall green, green grass at the cottage they owned and a sweet woman with a halo of white hair. I had the sense that it was really hot and humid, the air seemed to wave as if in a dream. She was talking to me, trying to get me to come towards her.
I honestly don't know much about my great grandmother and I need to sit down with my father some time and ask him about her. I had the sense that she was a kind woman and that I enjoyed the day we spent in the grass next to the Wisconsin river, a place that my father had grown up visiting and owns to this day. It is so wonderful that she left this imprint upon my life, even as a small child I felt her love.
Last night as I was falling asleep I kept thinking about the first memory that I could recall as a small child. We had taken a trip to see my Grandparents Love in Wisconsin. Lacy was still a bald little baby so I couldn't have been much older than 3. My great grandparents who we called "Grandma and Grandpa the Great" were there and I think that "Grandma the Great" died shortly after this trip. She was my first memory. I recall green, green grass at the cottage they owned and a sweet woman with a halo of white hair. I had the sense that it was really hot and humid, the air seemed to wave as if in a dream. She was talking to me, trying to get me to come towards her.
I honestly don't know much about my great grandmother and I need to sit down with my father some time and ask him about her. I had the sense that she was a kind woman and that I enjoyed the day we spent in the grass next to the Wisconsin river, a place that my father had grown up visiting and owns to this day. It is so wonderful that she left this imprint upon my life, even as a small child I felt her love.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Moving on...
When I think back on the last 5 years of my life, I recall thinking that something was missing. I put in my time, earned a degree, moved out on my own and still, I felt unfulfilled and sought to fill that emptiness with anything that would pass the time. It was as if my life was missing some piece that would make me whole. Silas was not planned, and I know from experience that many babies are not. It is still strange to me that when I took that pregnancy test, all of a sudden my life made sense.
I have never had an easy time deciding what to make of myself, so many of my decisions were based on convenience or some trigger that pushed me towards a choice. When I found out I was pregnant, it was like a mind made up, "this is what I am supposed to do with my life, I have to take care of this child." Decisions that I would have agonized over for months came as quick as the thought presented itself. "We had to move out of my in-laws house, we couldn't raise our child in some shitty apartment, I'm going to stay home for a few years".... It all worked itself out.
By the time Silas was born I had invented a new identity for myself, one that seemed to have made sense all along. I had always wanted to be a mother, the missing role to reward me for my seeming success. I am so lost now, trying to figure out the next step. The identity that I built over eight months has disolved into the things that are left. I have a home, which I love but which has become a mortgage tying me to this place. A summer to fill without stroller rides around the block. A job that I will enjoy, but that I will never attend without thoughts of staying at home and watching my child grow. A wonderful husband that I cannot look at without seeing the eyes of our son. I must move on for the sake of these things but it is hard to know how.
I have never had an easy time deciding what to make of myself, so many of my decisions were based on convenience or some trigger that pushed me towards a choice. When I found out I was pregnant, it was like a mind made up, "this is what I am supposed to do with my life, I have to take care of this child." Decisions that I would have agonized over for months came as quick as the thought presented itself. "We had to move out of my in-laws house, we couldn't raise our child in some shitty apartment, I'm going to stay home for a few years".... It all worked itself out.
By the time Silas was born I had invented a new identity for myself, one that seemed to have made sense all along. I had always wanted to be a mother, the missing role to reward me for my seeming success. I am so lost now, trying to figure out the next step. The identity that I built over eight months has disolved into the things that are left. I have a home, which I love but which has become a mortgage tying me to this place. A summer to fill without stroller rides around the block. A job that I will enjoy, but that I will never attend without thoughts of staying at home and watching my child grow. A wonderful husband that I cannot look at without seeing the eyes of our son. I must move on for the sake of these things but it is hard to know how.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Planned Parenthood
This blog will be a departure from my usual, as I am upset today about not only the death of my son, but with the complete lack of common sense in the halls of our government. We are threatened today with a complete government shutdown effecting our troops, federal workers, national parks and many more. The reason for this stalement among our elected officials; Planned Parenthood. The debate? Planned parenthood among other things, provides abortion services to low income women. The fact that these services are not paid for with government money has apparently been lost on republicans who insist that "The largest abortion provider in America should not also be the largest recipient of federal funding under Title X."
The fact is that the vast majority of the services provided by this organization involve access to cancer screenings, contraceptives and STD screening. In fact, according to Cecile Rich of Planned Parenthood "One in five women in America have been to a Planned Parenthood health center for basic health care," she said. "Ninety-seven percent of our services are basic preventative care that women rely on in communities across this country. Women and men of all parties and all walks of life are concerned about these kinds of efforts to play politics with women's health care access."
I find it sad that we as a country have decided that we will refuse to balance our deficit on the backs of the wealthy and have instead decided that it's okay to do so on the backs of low income women who would otherwise have no access to reproductive health care. As a woman who has used Title X funding for healthcare and contraceptives, I am appalled that denial of these services is being promoted on ideological grounds. When will the republican party learn that it cannot use it's influence to promote it's own brand of morality, something on which we will never come to an agreement? Services associated with Planned Parenthood are one of the things that make this country great and it will be a sad day when political posturing affects the health of millions of women across the United States. Kudos to democrats for standing up against this ridiculous legislation, I truly hope that republicans concede before the deadline this evening.
The fact is that the vast majority of the services provided by this organization involve access to cancer screenings, contraceptives and STD screening. In fact, according to Cecile Rich of Planned Parenthood "One in five women in America have been to a Planned Parenthood health center for basic health care," she said. "Ninety-seven percent of our services are basic preventative care that women rely on in communities across this country. Women and men of all parties and all walks of life are concerned about these kinds of efforts to play politics with women's health care access."
I find it sad that we as a country have decided that we will refuse to balance our deficit on the backs of the wealthy and have instead decided that it's okay to do so on the backs of low income women who would otherwise have no access to reproductive health care. As a woman who has used Title X funding for healthcare and contraceptives, I am appalled that denial of these services is being promoted on ideological grounds. When will the republican party learn that it cannot use it's influence to promote it's own brand of morality, something on which we will never come to an agreement? Services associated with Planned Parenthood are one of the things that make this country great and it will be a sad day when political posturing affects the health of millions of women across the United States. Kudos to democrats for standing up against this ridiculous legislation, I truly hope that republicans concede before the deadline this evening.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Grandma Ann
Went to the cemetary today. We had to remove many of the items my family has placed on our son's grave. I worked at the Laramie cemetary for awhile and I know how hard it is to mow around all the stuff people leave for their loved ones. April 4th is the day that they pull all of these items so they can begin spring maintenence of the graves. It was harder than I expected to take these things, without a gravestone they are markers and reminders of our love. I just kept looking at that little dirt mound. How do they even dig a hole that small?
My great grandma's grave is right next door and I thought of the video I watched a week ago, Grandma Ann's 75th birthday. I was about 3 years old. My family was so young, it was weird seeing everyone together in the same place. Grandma Ann was so cute and you could feel the love that surrounded her as she unwrapped her presents. The night I watched the video I went to sleep hearing her voice. She was so excited about her "microwave oven" that she recieved as a gift.
I love that Silas is right there next to her. I truly can picture her holding him, waiting for me to join them, wherever they are. I am so touched by the items left for him, a tinkerbell statue from cousin Amy, a little angel statue from Aunt Sherry, a pinwheel from my mom. I think that until his headstone is in place I will keep these things in a shrine in my yard, reminders of the love that my family has for him and always will. God, I miss that little guy. I'm tired of the pain that I feel over his loss. But I can tell from that old video that time marches on and in the end we will always have the love that has brought us this far. It will be here long past our own graves and will continue on into eternity in the lives of those we leave behind.
My great grandma's grave is right next door and I thought of the video I watched a week ago, Grandma Ann's 75th birthday. I was about 3 years old. My family was so young, it was weird seeing everyone together in the same place. Grandma Ann was so cute and you could feel the love that surrounded her as she unwrapped her presents. The night I watched the video I went to sleep hearing her voice. She was so excited about her "microwave oven" that she recieved as a gift.
I love that Silas is right there next to her. I truly can picture her holding him, waiting for me to join them, wherever they are. I am so touched by the items left for him, a tinkerbell statue from cousin Amy, a little angel statue from Aunt Sherry, a pinwheel from my mom. I think that until his headstone is in place I will keep these things in a shrine in my yard, reminders of the love that my family has for him and always will. God, I miss that little guy. I'm tired of the pain that I feel over his loss. But I can tell from that old video that time marches on and in the end we will always have the love that has brought us this far. It will be here long past our own graves and will continue on into eternity in the lives of those we leave behind.
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