People keep telling me that I am strong. I know those words to be true but every time I hear them I think if all the weak moments that no one sees. It is sometimes necessary to put on a brave face and pretend that your only purpose is to be right here, right now. I have learned that doing just that is what allows me to face the day. Honestly, it seems that usually when I feel the need to "blog" (as the kids say) I am upset with something about my life.
So let this be my "brave face" for the day... I woke up ready to go and hungry.I had good food to eat and Dr. Pepper to drink at work. I attenpted to be kind to people and was rewarded with kindness in turn. I accomplished a task in my household and am looking forward to curling up in bed with my husband and my cat-children. What more can a person ask?
I think that if I train myself to recognize the small gifts that each day brings, perhaps one day, I will truly believe what I say aloud. When I write, I am affirming something that my brain comprehends but that my heart does not. People are taken aback by my openess sometimes, which makes me appreciate the people I interact with on a daily basis all the more. Thankfully, I've been allowed to grieve in my own way and receive comfort from expressing my experience with people who care about me.
Shit... maybe I should be a counselor, I could put some of this "wisdom" to work!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
Little Feet...
Just watched Silas' sonogram for the first time since I was pregnant. It brought back so many feelings. I was 22 weeks preggo and we found out that we were having a boy (which I knew all along). He was perfect according to the images, they measured his head, heart rate, the size of his femur, etc... My mom and Matthew were there for the happy event, we watched in wonder as the doctor gave us a glimpse of the amazing life within.
The part that got me though ( I had memorized the images of my son, his feet, his ears, the little scrotum that told us his gender), was the end of the vidoe, it showed the doctor giving his report on the sonogram. Every category was "normal", every indication was healthy. He was big, major organs intact, healthy pacenta. I remember hearing those words and finally allowing myself to accept his life and my role in it.
I will never know what happened to my son. I've read the charts, reennacted his birth. I am okay with the decision I made to skip the autopsy, I didn't want to put my baby through more trauma. It was hard enough to witness the efforts to save his life. Wires, IV's, the trauma of his birth. It was too much for anyone and I was ill prepared based on my pregnancy, to accept what had occured. It is just a fact of my life and I cannot do anything but move on from it and remember the lesson that life presents to us all. When it seems that all is hopeless, we have tomorrow to convince us to go on.
October 14, 2010 was the first time I felt my child move. Silas is gone but that moment is a treasured memory in my life. Every moment that I spent with him warms my heart and reminds me that each of us leaves a mark in this world, no matter how brief our time may be. I never got to tell my son what he did for me and those I love, but I do believe that he knew it all along.
The part that got me though ( I had memorized the images of my son, his feet, his ears, the little scrotum that told us his gender), was the end of the vidoe, it showed the doctor giving his report on the sonogram. Every category was "normal", every indication was healthy. He was big, major organs intact, healthy pacenta. I remember hearing those words and finally allowing myself to accept his life and my role in it.
I will never know what happened to my son. I've read the charts, reennacted his birth. I am okay with the decision I made to skip the autopsy, I didn't want to put my baby through more trauma. It was hard enough to witness the efforts to save his life. Wires, IV's, the trauma of his birth. It was too much for anyone and I was ill prepared based on my pregnancy, to accept what had occured. It is just a fact of my life and I cannot do anything but move on from it and remember the lesson that life presents to us all. When it seems that all is hopeless, we have tomorrow to convince us to go on.
October 14, 2010 was the first time I felt my child move. Silas is gone but that moment is a treasured memory in my life. Every moment that I spent with him warms my heart and reminds me that each of us leaves a mark in this world, no matter how brief our time may be. I never got to tell my son what he did for me and those I love, but I do believe that he knew it all along.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Anniversaries...
Today was awesome. My dad came down to help us install the first (and most important) 100 foot of fence in the back yard. Matt and I have spent spare time the last few weeks cutting the old metal posts and prepping the yard for a new, wood fence. We ordered supplies, rented equipment and planned the new line and this morning my parents arrived for the big project. It went up quick and mother nature even blessed us with a cool, overcast morning for our efforts. The new fence cuts our visual of the junkyard next door and will eventually wrap around our entire yard.
I'm glad that it has been such a productive day because in the back of my mind I have been dreading this day all week. Silas would have been 6 months old today. Perspective is a crazy thing sometimes. I have been thinking all week about what he would look like now, what milestones his dad and I would have witnessed and celebrated. He'd be chubby-faced, I would have spent hours adoring his smile, his little body, his personality. I would be comfortable in my role as mommy, figuring out this whole parenting thing.
Add to that the fact that it is Matthew and my 2nd anniversary tomorrow, but it feels like 9 years to me (in a good way, I promise). 2 years ago, I stood on my grandparent's lawn and committed myself to a lifetime with my husband, through good times and bad. It seems like we have had our share of both the last couple of years. We don't always get along or agree but we have something that nothing in this world can take from us and I am grateful every day. Happy Anniversary to my husband and the father of my child, I look forward to our life together and to all the good times ahead.
I'm glad that it has been such a productive day because in the back of my mind I have been dreading this day all week. Silas would have been 6 months old today. Perspective is a crazy thing sometimes. I have been thinking all week about what he would look like now, what milestones his dad and I would have witnessed and celebrated. He'd be chubby-faced, I would have spent hours adoring his smile, his little body, his personality. I would be comfortable in my role as mommy, figuring out this whole parenting thing.
Add to that the fact that it is Matthew and my 2nd anniversary tomorrow, but it feels like 9 years to me (in a good way, I promise). 2 years ago, I stood on my grandparent's lawn and committed myself to a lifetime with my husband, through good times and bad. It seems like we have had our share of both the last couple of years. We don't always get along or agree but we have something that nothing in this world can take from us and I am grateful every day. Happy Anniversary to my husband and the father of my child, I look forward to our life together and to all the good times ahead.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Memories
Things I remember about my son...
He sat on my bladder from the moment he was conceived. I was worried that I would never be able to take a road trip again! The first time I felt him move was mid October, I was driving back to Rock Springs from Laramie (I had just purchased my first pair of maternity pants). We were cooking dinner the first time Matthew felt him move, we sat there smiling at eachother like a couple of idiots, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Silas liked to roll around in my belly while Matt and I watched documentaries on Netflix in bed. He was my constant companion and my favorite thing about carrying him was feeling him move and kick.
I spent eight months imagining what he would look like, I dreamed about him (although early in my pregnancy I dreamed that he was a girl). When he came out, I saw his face and he looked just like I had expected, like I had known his face forever. It was the most beautiful little face I have ever seen. Then they took him away and the rest of my memory is of his death. I held him several times that night and can still feel the weight of his little body in my arms.
The last gift that my little boy gave me and my family was the warmth of the sun on my back during his funeral. Matthew and I were standing in front of family and friends on a cold, grey day in February and while we read our goodbyes, the clouds parted and we were warm. I like to think that he heard us and wanted us to know that he was okay.
The time I spent carrying my baby and the precious moments that I had with him after his birth are memories that I will always cherish. I can look back on them with joy and fondness, he was a part of me that I love.
He sat on my bladder from the moment he was conceived. I was worried that I would never be able to take a road trip again! The first time I felt him move was mid October, I was driving back to Rock Springs from Laramie (I had just purchased my first pair of maternity pants). We were cooking dinner the first time Matthew felt him move, we sat there smiling at eachother like a couple of idiots, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Silas liked to roll around in my belly while Matt and I watched documentaries on Netflix in bed. He was my constant companion and my favorite thing about carrying him was feeling him move and kick.
I spent eight months imagining what he would look like, I dreamed about him (although early in my pregnancy I dreamed that he was a girl). When he came out, I saw his face and he looked just like I had expected, like I had known his face forever. It was the most beautiful little face I have ever seen. Then they took him away and the rest of my memory is of his death. I held him several times that night and can still feel the weight of his little body in my arms.
The last gift that my little boy gave me and my family was the warmth of the sun on my back during his funeral. Matthew and I were standing in front of family and friends on a cold, grey day in February and while we read our goodbyes, the clouds parted and we were warm. I like to think that he heard us and wanted us to know that he was okay.
The time I spent carrying my baby and the precious moments that I had with him after his birth are memories that I will always cherish. I can look back on them with joy and fondness, he was a part of me that I love.
Friday, July 22, 2011
TGIF
I would like to attempt a positive blog for a change, today was a pretty good day so here I go.... Matthew has left for a few days of camping with his father and brother and I am enjoying the time alone. It's funny how rarely the situation presents itself when you are married. I have been cleaning the house, catching up with friends on the phone, playing with the kittens and watching whatever I want on tv. Also, I enjoy hogging the whole bed without my bony spouse poking his elbows into me!
I recently e-mailed my old boss at Modern Printing to catch up on life and order some printing for Matt's tree business. I have so many old, old friends. People I've known forever... I've also been fortunate to make many friends in the years following high school. My former employer is one of them. His son is a senior in high school now, which means I have known him for 8 years! He hired me when I was a 20 year old kid, ranting about the greed of the corporation that I had previously worked for. Working for his business was one of the luckiest breaks I've ever had and I am thankful to be a part of the family down there.
I think I will spend the remainder of the evening cleaning my bathroom and taking a long, hot bath. It really is the little things in life that keep you going when the big things are fucked up. Life is hard but I try to enjoy the soup of the day at work, or the warm sun on my face in the morning, or my cute little kitten faces. It makes it easier to get through the day and reminds me that I'm glad to be here even as I am sad that my son is not.
I recently e-mailed my old boss at Modern Printing to catch up on life and order some printing for Matt's tree business. I have so many old, old friends. People I've known forever... I've also been fortunate to make many friends in the years following high school. My former employer is one of them. His son is a senior in high school now, which means I have known him for 8 years! He hired me when I was a 20 year old kid, ranting about the greed of the corporation that I had previously worked for. Working for his business was one of the luckiest breaks I've ever had and I am thankful to be a part of the family down there.
I think I will spend the remainder of the evening cleaning my bathroom and taking a long, hot bath. It really is the little things in life that keep you going when the big things are fucked up. Life is hard but I try to enjoy the soup of the day at work, or the warm sun on my face in the morning, or my cute little kitten faces. It makes it easier to get through the day and reminds me that I'm glad to be here even as I am sad that my son is not.
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