Random...

Went to visit Silas' grave the other day, they'd installed his headstone and planted sod. I have to admit that it was really hard to visit an unmarked, dirt mound at the cemetary. It looked so nice, granite headstone and grass thanks to the Mormon missionaries who put sod down every Memorial Day. My Grandma Ann's 100 birthday was 2 days ago, I took comfort in wishing her Happy Birthday.

I have a shrine in my yard with the things that were left at Silas' grave, if the cemetary cannot maintain the spot, I will with my own little garden of tulips and green things. I had a moment of peace days ago in San Diego, sitting on the beach with an ocean breeze in my face. What a beautiful place to visit, I would love to be there permanently some day.

Congrats to my hero, Amy for earning her masters and thanks for giving me a reason to visit such a wonderful place. It was nice to travel and put away my sadness for a weekend (mostly), I love my cousins and my family for taking care of me and giving me a vacation from my everyday life.

My home...

Finally, a few minutes to catch my breath. I've been admiring the shadows falling on my floors and the sound of the trains rumbling along. I had a moment of peace looking upon the progress that we have made in the short months since moving into our new home. I got to show it off this weekend, we've "entertained", as they like to say on HGTV.  Nothing big, just a few social events that required me to clean.

In the last few weeks, we have built a new flower bed, raked and cleaned cigarette butts and other debri, planted shrubs, bushes and veggies, mowed and watered and cleaned siding and windows. I am pooped but impressed with myself. I have a home, for the first time since we sold my trailer in Laramie. I know that we will eventually move on from Rock Springs but I am greatful to my son for influencing our decision to buy a house in these times. Hopefully the market will improve and this place that we love will build a nest egg for the future.

Happy Mother's Day...

My first mother's day. It's been a busy weekend. Matt and I have started to build our yard up, little changes to make our first house our own.  I'm proud of us because I think we have made smart choices in setting up our home.

I attended my cousin Kaycee's graduation party tonight and am so proud of my cousin for being herself and working hard. I looked around at all the awesome Mothers in the room and even though no big deal was made of it, I could feel the love and concern in the eyes of my women.

I think that I have a connection and fascination with the women in my life because these same strong, smart and intuitive people have been a part of my life from the beginning. They have kept a large, diverse family connected over the years and it has paid off in the best way possible.

Sometimes no words need to be said, just thoughts and wishes for the future. Happy Mother's Day to my own mother, who is the most amazing, hard-working woman I know, and to all women who know the heart breaking affection that is motherhood and to those amazing women who do their best to raise good people who love their fellow man.

Love and Marriage

Insomnia again last night. I keep waking up after a few hours of sleep and running through everything that has happened in the last few months. I try to shut it off, I've always used visualization to great effect with a racing mind. Lately though, my tried and true images have failed me and I find myself awake in the wee hours of the morning with nothing to do but get up and watch early morning television (adult swim is one of my favs). Despite the hype surrounding the royal wedding, I was barely interested in who designed Kate's dress and whether it was a slight that the Obama's were left out of the festivities. It is funny to me that I then found myself in front of my tv at 3am watching people in funny hats arriving at Westminster Abbey (a stunning piece of architecture for sure).

I love weddings. I always have, even before my own. The thing about weddings, once you're married, is that watching one always makes you think of your own. My own nuptuals could not have been more different than the ones exchanged today between William and Kate and yet I thought of what a universal human institution marriage is. It seems natural to many of us to want to spend our lives with someone who understands us, who shares our memories and our pain, who accepts us for who we are.

Then there are practicalities, things I appreciate having been in a long term relationship prior to saying "I do". Insurance benefits, tax benefits, a certain level of societal approval. Not having to introduce my spouse as "my boyfriend". I am an ardent supporter of all people being allowed this privilege no matter who it is they chose to love. Committed partnerships and familes, regardless of their form are always a betterment to society. We need to recognize this and support it for people in our communities.

Mostly tho, what I wanted to express in this post is how fortunate I feel to have found my own partner in this life. I am continuously amazed at the strength of his character and his love for me. I would not have made it through our loss without him. I am looking forward to a weekend away with him, we leave in the morning for some shopping and relaxation. Hopefully the cats don't destroy the house while we're gone!

Working it out

Matt and I have recently established a fairly regular work out routine. It is awesome that because Matthew is employed by the city, we get a free pass to the rec and civic centers in Rock Springs. I think that it is a wonderful benefit and one I remember using often while growing up (my dad was a city employee). We prefer the civic center so far, it is low key and not too busy at 4ish when we tend to go. The crazy thing is that I have wanted to be more active and in shape for years now and I can't believe how good it makes you feel. I have really been enjoying it and can tell the difference that it has made in a pretty short amount of time.

I had this thought today as I was relishing the feeling of tired muscles, that Silas is the reason that I have focused my energy on being healthy and active for the first time in years. Not only because I really started taking care of myself again while I was pregnant with him, but also because I wanted my body to be strong again after I lost him. I can imagine that I would have less motivation to go to the gym if I were spending my days immersed in caring for a baby, running a house and spending time with family and friends. So, in my desire to have my body return to some semblance of normalcy I have found a mental release and mood boost to help me through the long slog that is my grief.

Bagels...

Started work back at the Bagle shop today (Sage Creek Bagles to those not within Sweetwater County). The long, short story is that I was offered a part time position as a Youth Services assistant at the library and I turned it down after a couple days at work. Seems I wasn't meant to take care of other people's children and I realized that I would prefer a position doing something that doesn't require my emotional energy right now. It's actually really wonderful to clock in at 9am and all of a sudden it's time to clock out at 3pm. Poof! Didn't have to put a lot of thought into working for six hours...I like it.

The thing is, I have to cope with seeing mothers of young children and pregnant people eventually. I mean, 2 of my best friends are having babies in July. I have to deal with the wave of sadness I feel when someone talks about some aspect of pregnancy and I want to relate. Who wants to be reminded that my child didn't survive his own gestation? It's not even like I want to be sad about it, I just really enjoyed feeling my son grow inside me and it's all I have of him to hold on to. I just want to talk about it like it didn't end in tragedy sometimes.

Today was a pretty good day, interspersed with bad moments. The pregnant lady at the bagel counter, the little kids eating with their parents. Getting home to find that my life is still the same... At least I have a place to go and pass my days, I'm thankful for this job and the chance I have to recover myself before returning to some semblance of reality.. Thankful that my sister came by my house tonight to cheer me up. Good and bad, I guess that's the way it works...

My first memory...

It's funny that when you are surrounded by children you tend to remember what it was like to be one. Today was my first day at the library and I got a crash course in Youth Services. We had over 500 students from the 5th and 6th grades come into the library to do "research" for reports. I felt unprepared but the nice thing about children is that you can generally fake it and they won't notice. Turns out it was a pretty decent day...

Last night as I was falling asleep I kept thinking about the first memory that I could recall as a small child. We had taken a trip to see my Grandparents Love in Wisconsin. Lacy was still a bald little baby so I couldn't have been much older than 3. My great grandparents who we called "Grandma and Grandpa the Great" were there and I think that "Grandma the Great" died shortly after this trip. She was my first memory. I recall green, green grass at the cottage they owned and a sweet woman with a halo of white hair. I had the sense that it was really hot and humid, the air seemed to wave as if in a dream. She was talking to me, trying to get me to come towards her.

I honestly don't know much about my great grandmother and I need to sit down with my father some time and ask him about her. I had the sense that she was a kind woman and that I enjoyed the day we spent in the grass next to the Wisconsin river, a place that my father had grown up visiting and owns to this day. It is so wonderful that she left this imprint upon my life, even as a small child I felt her love.