Memories

Things I remember about my son...

He sat on my bladder from the moment he was conceived. I was worried that I would never be able to take a road trip again! The first time I felt him move was mid October, I was driving back to Rock Springs from Laramie (I had just purchased my first pair of maternity pants). We were cooking dinner the first time Matthew felt him move, we sat there smiling at eachother like a couple of idiots, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Silas liked to roll around in my belly while Matt and I watched documentaries on Netflix in bed. He was my constant companion and my favorite thing about carrying him was feeling him move and kick.

I spent eight months imagining what he would look like, I dreamed about him (although early in my pregnancy I dreamed that he was a girl). When he came out, I saw his face and he looked just like I had expected, like I had known his face forever. It was the most beautiful little face I have ever seen. Then they took him away and the rest of my memory is of his death. I held him several times that night and can still feel the weight of his little body in my arms.

The last gift that my little boy gave me and my family was the warmth of the sun on my back during his funeral. Matthew and I were standing in front of family and friends on a cold, grey day in February and while we read our goodbyes, the clouds parted and we were warm. I like to think that he heard us and wanted us to know that he was okay.

The time I spent carrying my baby and the precious moments that I had with him after his birth are memories that I will always cherish. I can look back on them with joy and fondness, he was a part of me that I love.

TGIF

I would like to attempt a positive blog for a change, today was a pretty good day so here I go.... Matthew has left for a few days of camping with his father and brother and I am enjoying the time alone. It's funny how rarely the situation presents itself when you are married. I have been cleaning the house, catching up with friends on the phone, playing with the kittens and watching whatever I want on tv. Also, I enjoy hogging the whole bed without my bony spouse poking his elbows into me!

I recently e-mailed my old boss at Modern Printing to catch up on life and order some printing for Matt's tree business. I have so many old, old friends. People I've known forever... I've also been fortunate to make many friends in the years following high school. My former employer is one of them. His son is a senior in high school now, which means I have known him for 8 years! He hired me when I was a 20 year old kid, ranting about the greed of the corporation that I had previously worked for. Working for his business was one of the luckiest breaks I've ever had and I am thankful to be a part of the family down there.

I think I will spend the remainder of the evening cleaning my bathroom and taking a long, hot bath. It really is the little things in life that keep you going when the big things are fucked up. Life is hard but I try to enjoy the soup of the day at work, or the warm sun on my face in the morning, or my cute little kitten faces. It makes it easier to get through the day and reminds me that I'm glad to be here even as I am sad that my son is not.

Stages of grief

I guess I have finally reached the "anger" stage of grief. This summer has been non-stop. 10 year reunion, visiting Daniel, weddings, friends having babies... I am so overwhelmed and I have no reprieve in sight. I feel obligation to attend these happy events, I actually enjoy the distraction that they provide, and yet....  Every moment of someone else's happiness reminds me of my own sorrow. How selfish I feel for being resentful of these people that I love with all my heart.

I am to the point  that I don't even want to celebrate my birthday next week. I had planned on celebrating with my little baby and his grandparents, aunts and uncles. It seems kind of empty to celebrate my 28th year, considering  that it has brought me such sadness. I'm 28 soon with a broken heart that keeps bleeding no matter how much I participate and pretend.

I often think that someone or something must be responsible for what happened. If I did everything right, who fucked up? Why was my son delivered without any concern for his maturity or due date? Why was it assumed that he would handle a natural birth without some kind of preparation for the fact that he was a preemie? Why was Life Flight not called the instant he showed signs of respiratory distress? Why were we allowed to believe for 6 hours that he had just had a rough start and would perk up with time?

It shouldn't have happened the way it did and the longer I live with it, the more I ask myself these questions. They haunt my dreams and my waking life. Every second that I live I wish for answers that will never come. I must accept his loss and the daily reminders of it. I just don't know how....

Sick

I am going to allow myself some negativity today. I woke up in a horrible mood and it has hung over my head like a cloud all day. I am sick of pretending that I am okay. I should be raising a 4 month old right now, I should be getting ready to show him off to my friends at our 10 year reunion. I should be occupied with diapers, bottles and naps. Instead I am having seizures at work and avoiding my parents. I am so tired. I am so depressed. Now I have a whole barrage of tests to endure, financial hardship on top of everything else. I quit! What the fuck else does the universe want want me to endure? I'm over it. Can I please just hide in a hole for the next few months?

Today is Father's Day and I honor my husband for being the man that he is. From the start he has been my support, my reason to go on. He loved Silas from the moment he knew about him and was nothing short of wonderful for my entire pregnancy and birth. I am trying to get over my seizure hangover, to let the people in my life know what they mean to me, but I am changed. I will never cope with the loss that I feel, I just have to hope that the people around me can cope with the person I am now. This person is not a saint, just a lowly human being trying to deal with the cards I have been dealt. All I want is another child, not to replace my precious Silas but to give us a reason to continue this fight.

Random...

Went to visit Silas' grave the other day, they'd installed his headstone and planted sod. I have to admit that it was really hard to visit an unmarked, dirt mound at the cemetary. It looked so nice, granite headstone and grass thanks to the Mormon missionaries who put sod down every Memorial Day. My Grandma Ann's 100 birthday was 2 days ago, I took comfort in wishing her Happy Birthday.

I have a shrine in my yard with the things that were left at Silas' grave, if the cemetary cannot maintain the spot, I will with my own little garden of tulips and green things. I had a moment of peace days ago in San Diego, sitting on the beach with an ocean breeze in my face. What a beautiful place to visit, I would love to be there permanently some day.

Congrats to my hero, Amy for earning her masters and thanks for giving me a reason to visit such a wonderful place. It was nice to travel and put away my sadness for a weekend (mostly), I love my cousins and my family for taking care of me and giving me a vacation from my everyday life.

My home...

Finally, a few minutes to catch my breath. I've been admiring the shadows falling on my floors and the sound of the trains rumbling along. I had a moment of peace looking upon the progress that we have made in the short months since moving into our new home. I got to show it off this weekend, we've "entertained", as they like to say on HGTV.  Nothing big, just a few social events that required me to clean.

In the last few weeks, we have built a new flower bed, raked and cleaned cigarette butts and other debri, planted shrubs, bushes and veggies, mowed and watered and cleaned siding and windows. I am pooped but impressed with myself. I have a home, for the first time since we sold my trailer in Laramie. I know that we will eventually move on from Rock Springs but I am greatful to my son for influencing our decision to buy a house in these times. Hopefully the market will improve and this place that we love will build a nest egg for the future.

Happy Mother's Day...

My first mother's day. It's been a busy weekend. Matt and I have started to build our yard up, little changes to make our first house our own.  I'm proud of us because I think we have made smart choices in setting up our home.

I attended my cousin Kaycee's graduation party tonight and am so proud of my cousin for being herself and working hard. I looked around at all the awesome Mothers in the room and even though no big deal was made of it, I could feel the love and concern in the eyes of my women.

I think that I have a connection and fascination with the women in my life because these same strong, smart and intuitive people have been a part of my life from the beginning. They have kept a large, diverse family connected over the years and it has paid off in the best way possible.

Sometimes no words need to be said, just thoughts and wishes for the future. Happy Mother's Day to my own mother, who is the most amazing, hard-working woman I know, and to all women who know the heart breaking affection that is motherhood and to those amazing women who do their best to raise good people who love their fellow man.