We survived. Sometimes I have no idea where the year has gone. I barely remember summer, putting up the fence, tearing the bathroom apart, settling into my new home. "Celebrating" my birthday without my son. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. By the time people were rushing to the florist for Valentine's gifts, I was steeling myself for yet another holiday without him. Why Valentine's day, my love? Hearts, cupids, candy, cheesy ass proposals... I've always hated that shit.

The day itself was unremarkable, but there was one shining moment. My dearest little mother ordered balloons to be let go for the occasion. We went to the cemetary and watched the balloons soar together for miles... it was beautiful. And even though everyone in attendence was bereft without Silas's smiling face, we were together in the love that brought us there in the first place.

I ran into my OB nurse at the store today. She was absolutely wonderful and everytime I see her, I am reminded of the good that exists in all of us. The fact that she, and all the people that love us, recognized Valentine's day as more than a consumer holiday, means the world to me. Thank you for your support and kindness.

1 Year

Over the last year I often wondered how helpful it really is to express my most raw emotions on such a public forum. I have upset my poor mother, insighted worry about the state of my emotional health and laid bare some of my most private joys, fears and sorrow. Browsing through previous blogs have revealed a trend... I am eaither full of optimism and hope for the future or angry and resentful about my experience.

People say that the first year of grief is the hardest to face. It has been an insane and chaotic time in my life. I am reminded daily by dear friends that I try my best to stay in touch with, how different my life should be. It is not their fault that they remind me so. It is just a fact of life. Matthew and I are not alone in the burden we share, you do not get through life without tragedy and pain. That is also a fact.

A wise woman told me the other day that I should not allow myself to become bitter. It is sometimes difficult to remind myself of all the beauty that life offers in exchange for this hardship. Those who manage to accept this balance are rewarded with peace in their souls for the path they've chosen. That is what I wish for myself and those I love.