I have always played loosely with the concept of God. I remember going to church on occasion with Grandma; mormon church. Long sermon (that's what you call it, right?). Welcome song in seminary... always feeling out of place. Later on, some chick wants me to attend a mormon hayride. Don't know these people, don't relate.College years, I think I am a spiritual person (what does that mean?). I think that there is something beyond this life, but what the fuck do I know?
Lose my child who saved me from the abyss... what just god would allow it? I asked myself this question tonight. What "heavenly father" would have me become pregnant with this little soul, who by his very existence saved me from all the habits and addictions that I had become dependant upon, just to leave me bereft and without the healing grace of his presence?
Not fair, is it? All these assholes with children to raise. All these assholes and their good luck. I would give anything to have my son. To have something to convince me that it is worth the chore of waking up every day and trying to be the optimist for everyone I know. For now, I am tired, fuck all y'all. Guess you're gonna have to do it without me... I'm spent.
By "assholes" I in no way refer to my wonderful friends with children of their own... they're an inspiration to me with their devotion and love for their babies. From them, i have learned the burden and the joy of being a mother. I have learned the depth of the connection that I have lost (and the one that I know only from sharing that bond with my child). Thank you.
ReplyDeleteOh Lynds... I can't even begin to tell you that I remotely understand the way you are feeling, but I know that I have cried for you just thinking about it. And I admire how strong you have been; seriously. He did save you from a life you probably would have regretted, so just make sure for him to continue that life that he gave you. It really is hard to be faithful when something so unexplainable happens. Acquaintences of mine that were extremely religious have lost children, and as a result questioned their faith or belief. So that's definitely normal...
ReplyDeleteHold you head up, you're stronger than you know.
xoxox
It is SO hard to think about these things, isn't it? Especially when you've experienced one of life's greatest tragedies. Although I can't relate to losing a child, I can relate to that feeling of, "Wow, why did all of this shit happen to me?" I don't know about God necessarily, but I know about "spirit," and you my dear, have one of the greatest I know. And so does Silas. Because that little boy's spirit lives in all of us who remember him, think of him, smile at him, talk to him, dream about him, and were touched by him.
ReplyDeleteLife is hard. It is and it will be. But it is beautiful and wonderful and strange too. It is everything and anything. And so are you. And so is your spirit and so is Silas' spirit.
You don't need to be an "optimist" for me or for anyone. But I hope with all of my might that you will be one for yourself. And not the kind that looks at the world through rose-colored glasses, but the kind that faces tragedy, faces advserity, but still holds onto the beauty of life.
Silas did show you the beauty of life and he will continue to.
Lauren,
ReplyDeleteIt is not necessarily questioning my faith as it is a lck of one. I honestly wish that I could be comforted by condolences that start with "he is in god's arms" or "he is looking over you from heaven." I guess I've just never figured out what to believe.
That being said, I feel something when I go to Silas' grave... a calm or peace. A sense that I am near to him.
I have spent a large part of my life second guessing my perspective, my reactions to events. It would be nice to be sure about something for a change.
The long and the short of it is that I find the thought of Silas, angel wings, in heaven with Grandma Ann to be a comfort. Perhaps I don't need to ponder the issue further...
Amy,
ReplyDeleteI would like to be that kind of optimist also, I think that I have often failed to boost myself up. I hear myself listening to the woes of those I love and offering advice. To be fair, these same people listen to my woes and offer a kind ear...
I feel that the time has come to move forward and face that adversity. I honestly don't think that I could forget about the moments in life that lift me up and make me appreciate this crazy life. There are better things ahead.
Oh Honey, I know it is a struggle and that it can not be easy for either of you especially as a mother.
ReplyDeleteI do not think that anyone expects you to be brave and strong all the time. I know I don't.
Our Heavenly Father is truly there and truly loves you and welcomed your beautiful boy home with open arms. There are times that our trials need to be minimal, and there are souls that do not need to trials of the world to return safely home they only need the body.
You should feel honored and blessed to have one of those special spirits that are so strong and elette that they only needed a body. I know that does not make it any easier.
Remember, (and this is one of my favorite quotes) When life is too much for you to sand, KNEEL!
He never leaves our side, He may at times be silent but he never leaves us especially during our trials such as these. Find and read the poem "Footprints" you are not alone you are being carried love.
hang in there, keep pushing forward, and do not loose faith