I am sitting here in my favorite room, my living/dining room. I have been enjoying my Christmas decor and looking forward to sharing the holiday with my loved ones. I have been excited for weeks about putting up a tree and having a little holiday cheer. My first Christmas in my new home and the beginning of a few new traditions. My parents and Lacy will be at my house for Christmas morning and the unwrapping of gifts. I have to add that our upstairs bathroom will finally be functional, as we are in the last stages of our 6 month remodel project!! I remember many years in Laramie, decorating some funny tree that we found right off the road (because we were never prepared to hike into the wilderness, we found trees that were within our line of sight!) Our tree this year is beautiful and brightens my evenings and lifts my spirits.
I was running some errands this afternoon and thinking about the holiday season and how hectic life becomes with so many obligations, travel plans and expenses. Matt and I had been talking about how the holidays coincide with the darkest time of the year. It feels strange to watch the sun set behind the hills at 4:30 at night. But in the darkness, we have created a season to celebrate the things we are grateful for, the people that we love. Trying to find the perfect present, cooking an elaborate meal, taking time to acknowledge that being alive is in itself a miracle... they are all part of a need to create light out of dark.
My mother has always written little words of affection and inspiration in our greeting cards throughout the years. Christmas, birthdays, just because, my sister and I always smile at her elegant, optimistic lines and I have many of those cards saved in shoe box in my closet. This year, she searched online for quotes that matched the individual situations and life changes that Lace and I were going through. I love the one she found for me...
Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us.
It is true that I am not spending this holiday season (or, the past 10 months) as I had hoped and dreamed to. It is also true that everyday is an excruciating reminder that Silas is not here with us. My heart aches to think of taking family pictures for greeting cards (I didn't even muster the energy this year), watching my baby boy playing with wrapping paper and new toys on Christmas morning, delighting in his fascination with the lights and ornaments on the tree. What would it have been like to be responsible for those pictures, those memories?
I will know the answer to those questions some day. And I will cherish it all the more for Silas and the knowledge of all the holidays and special occasions that I will miss out on with him, my first child, my beautiful son. The story of the birth of Christ is one of hope. It is fitting that the week of our Christmas celebrations coincides with the winter solstice. From this point on, there will only be more light.
Love, love, love this post. I hope in the New Year you find time to blog more because I really love reading your words. Your Mom's quote is so beautiful and fitting. And I also really like the mention of winter solstice at the end. Literally and figuartively, there will be more light. What a lovely thought.
ReplyDeleteThank you for listening cousin. I find some comfort in the fact the someone hears my words and my pain. God, I loved that little boy. I remember so vividly the checkups, the food cravings, peeing 5 times a night. Strange how it seems so unreal now. I look at my life sometimes and think, "did that even happen?"
ReplyDeleteLinds, I want you to know how much I think of you and Matthew. I am always struck by the thought that I will never know how you feel, nor how difficult it must be to be going through the holiday season thinking of all the "what ifs". I have never got to spend much time with you but I feel like I have gotten to know you more through your blog, and so I want to tell you that I love you and am so proud of the strength and grace you have exhibited in dealing with the grief and pain you are experiencing. Your beautiful expression for Silas through your words is an honor to the love all mothers should feel for their children. I love you and Matthew and Silas, and I pray that the pain you have had to endure this year leads to peace for you. I wish you a very happy New Year, and hope that the light of Silas's memory will help pave your way to making new and joyful memories. I love you, cousin! ~ Joan
ReplyDeleteHang in there Lynds. Write more because we will listen. I can imagine it's pretty surreal as you said, "did this really happen?" because as you've said a bunch of times, you don't have your baby with you. You have your memories. I agree with the previous poster that this blog is a beautiful way to honor him.
ReplyDeleteWe all love him and you. I think about him daily and imagine that I know him and he knows me. I REALLY believe that he does.