People keep telling me that I am strong. I know those words to be true but every time I hear them I think if all the weak moments that no one sees. It is sometimes necessary to put on a brave face and pretend that your only purpose is to be right here, right now. I have learned that doing just that is what allows me to face the day. Honestly, it seems that usually when I feel the need to "blog" (as the kids say) I am upset with something about my life.
So let this be my "brave face" for the day... I woke up ready to go and hungry.I had good food to eat and Dr. Pepper to drink at work. I attenpted to be kind to people and was rewarded with kindness in turn. I accomplished a task in my household and am looking forward to curling up in bed with my husband and my cat-children. What more can a person ask?
I think that if I train myself to recognize the small gifts that each day brings, perhaps one day, I will truly believe what I say aloud. When I write, I am affirming something that my brain comprehends but that my heart does not. People are taken aback by my openess sometimes, which makes me appreciate the people I interact with on a daily basis all the more. Thankfully, I've been allowed to grieve in my own way and receive comfort from expressing my experience with people who care about me.
Shit... maybe I should be a counselor, I could put some of this "wisdom" to work!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
Little Feet...
Just watched Silas' sonogram for the first time since I was pregnant. It brought back so many feelings. I was 22 weeks preggo and we found out that we were having a boy (which I knew all along). He was perfect according to the images, they measured his head, heart rate, the size of his femur, etc... My mom and Matthew were there for the happy event, we watched in wonder as the doctor gave us a glimpse of the amazing life within.
The part that got me though ( I had memorized the images of my son, his feet, his ears, the little scrotum that told us his gender), was the end of the vidoe, it showed the doctor giving his report on the sonogram. Every category was "normal", every indication was healthy. He was big, major organs intact, healthy pacenta. I remember hearing those words and finally allowing myself to accept his life and my role in it.
I will never know what happened to my son. I've read the charts, reennacted his birth. I am okay with the decision I made to skip the autopsy, I didn't want to put my baby through more trauma. It was hard enough to witness the efforts to save his life. Wires, IV's, the trauma of his birth. It was too much for anyone and I was ill prepared based on my pregnancy, to accept what had occured. It is just a fact of my life and I cannot do anything but move on from it and remember the lesson that life presents to us all. When it seems that all is hopeless, we have tomorrow to convince us to go on.
October 14, 2010 was the first time I felt my child move. Silas is gone but that moment is a treasured memory in my life. Every moment that I spent with him warms my heart and reminds me that each of us leaves a mark in this world, no matter how brief our time may be. I never got to tell my son what he did for me and those I love, but I do believe that he knew it all along.
The part that got me though ( I had memorized the images of my son, his feet, his ears, the little scrotum that told us his gender), was the end of the vidoe, it showed the doctor giving his report on the sonogram. Every category was "normal", every indication was healthy. He was big, major organs intact, healthy pacenta. I remember hearing those words and finally allowing myself to accept his life and my role in it.
I will never know what happened to my son. I've read the charts, reennacted his birth. I am okay with the decision I made to skip the autopsy, I didn't want to put my baby through more trauma. It was hard enough to witness the efforts to save his life. Wires, IV's, the trauma of his birth. It was too much for anyone and I was ill prepared based on my pregnancy, to accept what had occured. It is just a fact of my life and I cannot do anything but move on from it and remember the lesson that life presents to us all. When it seems that all is hopeless, we have tomorrow to convince us to go on.
October 14, 2010 was the first time I felt my child move. Silas is gone but that moment is a treasured memory in my life. Every moment that I spent with him warms my heart and reminds me that each of us leaves a mark in this world, no matter how brief our time may be. I never got to tell my son what he did for me and those I love, but I do believe that he knew it all along.
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