BBQ

Kids are awesome! I love the experience of knowing a child from the time they are in their mom's belly til they're wearing big kid pants and telling you wise things about their lives. For some reason these kids love me(and others) unconditionally, without reserves. My little Breezy (who hide from me the entire time my dear friend Cori was pregnant) is so whip smart! She shared an epiphany with me tonight, "Lyndsey, did you know that everyone has a mom? That means that we're all kids!"

I stress about my mom stressing about me but that wise statement from the mouth of a 4 year old made me realize that when you raise a child from birth to adulthood, they are always your baby. All of us pooped our diaper and smiled at people that think we're cute and grew with our parents love.

I am almost scared to take that on, considering that I was on the brink of that committment and thought I was ready for it. No one is ready for it but I also had the realization that I was made for that job, that I love babies and kids too. I was meant to be a mom. My whole life, I have wondered what I should do with the gift that is my life, my personality, my talents. Raising a child is not my only goal but it is what I need to feel complete.

I'm not going to rush or pressure myself, it's going to happen when it's meant to, just like my Silas existed to change the way that everyone he was connected to look at their lives. I don't buy into the sinner v. christian perspective but I do believe that things happen for a reason and every interaction with a fellow human being teaches you something about yourself. How lucky we all are....

My favorite place

Let me set the stage... It is 10:30 in the evening and I am sitting on my back porch watching the night. The temperature is perfect and the view is better! From my backyard I can see the bluff that looms over Dewar Drive against a black night sky. I can hear traffic and the faint sound of music from the bar two blocks away. My neighbor's fan whirls in the background and the moon is shining through the trees that shade my yard.

Matthew and I have been working our asses off to get everything ready for the cousin reunion on Friday, I am glad that we have a good reason to accomplish these projects because my yard is awesome! I was just sitting back here thinking of the difference between the place we bought and the place we live in now and I am so grateful for and proud of the progress I see.

Also, it is my little sister's 27th birthday today and I feel so lucky to be challenged and loved by her for all those years. Life is much better when you you have been through shit and truly appreciate the things that don't suck! Love ya Lace!

Happy Mother's Day 2012

Today began as any other Sunday, hard work in the yard, family to see, laundry to do. Maxwell did not apparently care that it  was mother's day and this mom wanted to sleep in! So began a morning of toil in the yard with my husband.We have spent the entire weekend with major landscaping activity and what I like to call, "investing in the economy." AKA spending lots of money on my home.

We have created something from nothing. We have transformed our little chunk of the world. Honestly, I almost teared up when we sat down in our lawn chairs and gazed upon the progress that we have made. I so wish that we had taken "before" pictures to compare to the new place that we have made. Flowers, vegetables, green grass, new trees and shrubs. We have lived here 1 year and 3 months and it is not the same place that we bought, it has been changed with love and sweat and all those other cliches (which are totally true, by the way).

I have learned how to garden, from my hard working, meticulous, eager to please husband. All those conversations, the education that we are paying for, hopes and dreams that we have beeen cultivating (no pun intended).... they have paid off big time in the result that I found myself admiring at 8:30 this evening. Matthew and I shared a beer and admired the thing which has kept us close, kept us busy and filled a small part of the void we share, our wonderful, annoying, old as dirt, comfortable home.

I realized after the stress of the last week that I have truly needed an outlet to work out my troubles. Stabbing dirt and coaxing life out of garbage seems to have done the trick. I was left with a Mother's Day epiphany. Get ready for it...

What I have learned from celebrating the mothers in my life on a day when the last thing I feel like doing is acknowledging my own weird place in such a holiday is, that I know how profound and terrifying and gratifying that relationship is. If you participate in that, if you truly understand what it will be like to live with that knowledge; the joy and the fear and the incredible drive that makes you the best version of yourself; it cannot be taken back. Your responsibility, your duty, is to shape your life with that knowledge at the forefront of your thoughts. That is fucking huge...get ready to commit!

It is such a gift. Even without my son to raise, I can look around and see what that eternal love and responsiblity has brought to my life. Besides my grief, I could not name a single thing about being a mother that has not been instrumental in my growth as a person, or an improvement to my life. I am who I am because I know that bond.

How do you feel?

My mama asked me this question today, 'How do you feel?' . Well, she asks me this question quite frequently but today my answer was different. It was true. I feel awesome today, I am excited about the future for so many reasons... We are almost done with the fence, I am getting a new car, we are trying for another baby, work was fun, my house is beautiful. I could go on and on! I am happy, right now, at this very moment. I am excited about the future, and I have an excellent summer to look forward to.

That led me to this epiphany... If we could go back to my life in 2009, to Lyndsey being the wife of a college stuudent (and heavy drinker), and ask my 2009 self where I would want to be at that moment, I think that 2009 Me would have wanted to be right here. I wanted to be settled, I wanted my own home, I wanted to be thinking about starting a family. If you were to erase the sadness of losing Silas from my life and put me in this same place, would I be happy? The answer is yes.

The crazy thing is that I would not be here without the experience of having and losing my child. He is what pushed us to buy our home. He was the reason for our growth as a couple and as adults. He brought us together and showed us our strengths. Because of Silas, I am happy even though I am sad.

March on

Hot flashes. Cold sweat. I wake up at 2:48 am and relive my nightmare all over. I wish that I could stop obsessing. I show up during the day, go to work, deal with drama and do my job. I come home and the silence hits me. It doesn't leave until I go to work the next day. So many nights I lay awake and think of my son.

I feel like I have failed him. I have lost myself without his presence. I find small comfort in the future and yet it feels a long way off when confronted with the reality of today. I would have liked to have handled it better, to be one of those people that changes their life and helps other going through similar pain. Instead I wallow in the emptiness I feel.

I have moments of grace. Times when I am proud of myself for my ability to council a friend, find joy in the day or call a plan to fruition. I keep trying to embrace those times and propell myself forward. My last moment of the day will forever be spent wondering "what if" and thinking about my baby. I will find a similar light in my next child but the ghost of my son will follow me wherever I go. Stronger...perhaps, but also broken in a way that cannot be healed.

We survived. Sometimes I have no idea where the year has gone. I barely remember summer, putting up the fence, tearing the bathroom apart, settling into my new home. "Celebrating" my birthday without my son. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. By the time people were rushing to the florist for Valentine's gifts, I was steeling myself for yet another holiday without him. Why Valentine's day, my love? Hearts, cupids, candy, cheesy ass proposals... I've always hated that shit.

The day itself was unremarkable, but there was one shining moment. My dearest little mother ordered balloons to be let go for the occasion. We went to the cemetary and watched the balloons soar together for miles... it was beautiful. And even though everyone in attendence was bereft without Silas's smiling face, we were together in the love that brought us there in the first place.

I ran into my OB nurse at the store today. She was absolutely wonderful and everytime I see her, I am reminded of the good that exists in all of us. The fact that she, and all the people that love us, recognized Valentine's day as more than a consumer holiday, means the world to me. Thank you for your support and kindness.

1 Year

Over the last year I often wondered how helpful it really is to express my most raw emotions on such a public forum. I have upset my poor mother, insighted worry about the state of my emotional health and laid bare some of my most private joys, fears and sorrow. Browsing through previous blogs have revealed a trend... I am eaither full of optimism and hope for the future or angry and resentful about my experience.

People say that the first year of grief is the hardest to face. It has been an insane and chaotic time in my life. I am reminded daily by dear friends that I try my best to stay in touch with, how different my life should be. It is not their fault that they remind me so. It is just a fact of life. Matthew and I are not alone in the burden we share, you do not get through life without tragedy and pain. That is also a fact.

A wise woman told me the other day that I should not allow myself to become bitter. It is sometimes difficult to remind myself of all the beauty that life offers in exchange for this hardship. Those who manage to accept this balance are rewarded with peace in their souls for the path they've chosen. That is what I wish for myself and those I love.