I have always played loosely with the concept of God. I remember going to church on occasion with Grandma; mormon church. Long sermon (that's what you call it, right?). Welcome song in seminary... always feeling out of place. Later on, some chick wants me to attend a mormon hayride. Don't know these people, don't relate.College years, I think I am a spiritual person (what does that mean?). I think that there is something beyond this life, but what the fuck do I know?
Lose my child who saved me from the abyss... what just god would allow it? I asked myself this question tonight. What "heavenly father" would have me become pregnant with this little soul, who by his very existence saved me from all the habits and addictions that I had become dependant upon, just to leave me bereft and without the healing grace of his presence?
Not fair, is it? All these assholes with children to raise. All these assholes and their good luck. I would give anything to have my son. To have something to convince me that it is worth the chore of waking up every day and trying to be the optimist for everyone I know. For now, I am tired, fuck all y'all. Guess you're gonna have to do it without me... I'm spent.
