I am sitting here in my favorite room, my living/dining room. I have been enjoying my Christmas decor and looking forward to sharing the holiday with my loved ones. I have been excited for weeks about putting up a tree and having a little holiday cheer. My first Christmas in my new home and the beginning of a few new traditions. My parents and Lacy will be at my house for Christmas morning and the unwrapping of gifts. I have to add that our upstairs bathroom will finally be functional, as we are in the last stages of our 6 month remodel project!! I remember many years in Laramie, decorating some funny tree that we found right off the road (because we were never prepared to hike into the wilderness, we found trees that were within our line of sight!) Our tree this year is beautiful and brightens my evenings and lifts my spirits.
I was running some errands this afternoon and thinking about the holiday season and how hectic life becomes with so many obligations, travel plans and expenses. Matt and I had been talking about how the holidays coincide with the darkest time of the year. It feels strange to watch the sun set behind the hills at 4:30 at night. But in the darkness, we have created a season to celebrate the things we are grateful for, the people that we love. Trying to find the perfect present, cooking an elaborate meal, taking time to acknowledge that being alive is in itself a miracle... they are all part of a need to create light out of dark.
My mother has always written little words of affection and inspiration in our greeting cards throughout the years. Christmas, birthdays, just because, my sister and I always smile at her elegant, optimistic lines and I have many of those cards saved in shoe box in my closet. This year, she searched online for quotes that matched the individual situations and life changes that Lace and I were going through. I love the one she found for me...
Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us.
It is true that I am not spending this holiday season (or, the past 10 months) as I had hoped and dreamed to. It is also true that everyday is an excruciating reminder that Silas is not here with us. My heart aches to think of taking family pictures for greeting cards (I didn't even muster the energy this year), watching my baby boy playing with wrapping paper and new toys on Christmas morning, delighting in his fascination with the lights and ornaments on the tree. What would it have been like to be responsible for those pictures, those memories?
I will know the answer to those questions some day. And I will cherish it all the more for Silas and the knowledge of all the holidays and special occasions that I will miss out on with him, my first child, my beautiful son. The story of the birth of Christ is one of hope. It is fitting that the week of our Christmas celebrations coincides with the winter solstice. From this point on, there will only be more light.
