I am going to allow myself some negativity today. I woke up in a horrible mood and it has hung over my head like a cloud all day. I am sick of pretending that I am okay. I should be raising a 4 month old right now, I should be getting ready to show him off to my friends at our 10 year reunion. I should be occupied with diapers, bottles and naps. Instead I am having seizures at work and avoiding my parents. I am so tired. I am so depressed. Now I have a whole barrage of tests to endure, financial hardship on top of everything else. I quit! What the fuck else does the universe want want me to endure? I'm over it. Can I please just hide in a hole for the next few months?
Today is Father's Day and I honor my husband for being the man that he is. From the start he has been my support, my reason to go on. He loved Silas from the moment he knew about him and was nothing short of wonderful for my entire pregnancy and birth. I am trying to get over my seizure hangover, to let the people in my life know what they mean to me, but I am changed. I will never cope with the loss that I feel, I just have to hope that the people around me can cope with the person I am now. This person is not a saint, just a lowly human being trying to deal with the cards I have been dealt. All I want is another child, not to replace my precious Silas but to give us a reason to continue this fight.
